TO DREAM TO TOUCH: Dedicated To The Issue of Disabilities

New blog... New Blog Address

2011-11-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog... It's called Knowing, Believing and Doing

www.knowbelievedo.wordpress.com

Please check it out....

Thanks!

(86th Entry) Yes... I'm still here!!!

2009-02-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

Things have been very hectic and I've been preoccupied with "things"! I'm still here. I can't believe I went the whole month of January without writing... But I did.

I hope to begin writing again soon. Actually I will begin writing again... very soon.

This is to let you know that I'm still here, still alive... working towards my goals.

So much has happened... hopefully you'll hear the scoop soon.

(85th Entry) Recess is over…

2008-12-29T05:56:00.000-08:00

The Holidays are close to being over… The New Year beginning, the old year fading away… Yet!

This past year… What an awakening! My father dying, opening factories, having 4 times as many people working for the company… working towards goals and dreams!

But… Recess is over!!!

I’m a little slow… It takes time for things to sink in with me, for me to realize certain things about life, etc. Even though it looks as if I’m doing things… am I? Sometimes I just drift along, just “going on with Life!”

And then… an awakening, a jolt, something that makes me realize that there’s something greater… My Dad’s death talked about in earlier entries… and recently two other events.

What makes me proud, happy… these two events…

Last summer Mary, my office manager, hired a woman to work in our Grabado factory. As it turns out she is a little slow… If I had to guess I would say her IQ is somewhere between 70 and 80. She’s a very kind, sweet person. She has a son who was mis-diagnosed with cancer. Over time, a couple of people in our company were telling us that she would never really be able to be productive… at least to the point of profitability. Mary and I were at the point of letting her go when other employees said… “No, she really hadn’t been given a fair chance.” So… Mary and I kept her. Since that time last summer, she has come so far. She’ll never be in the top tier of carving glass, but that’s not what we’re always about.

We are a company that needs to be profitable, but we’re also about hiring disabled individuals. In the beginning it was thought that we would just focus on hiring physically disabled individuals, but things happen… Because this person had such a great attitude and showed such respect and loyalty Mary kept her on. It’s paid off.

Recently at our company Christmas party, we watched as the other employees interacted with her. We’ve made great progress in how our employees interact with one another based on disabilities, but now… guess what? We’re having to deal with all of the normal problems that people have when they work together… In other words, we’re just a group of people working together like any other group of people.

The second event was a wedding of two of our employees… I’ll talk about this in my next entry… and then a little about our Christmas party.

Recess is over. Times are difficult, but we’re going to survive. Not only do I think we’re going to survive, but I believe we’re going to thrive this year.

Recess is over… It’s time to get back to basics, business and hard work! Worrying and wondering about things hasn’t helped. It hasn’t changed the world, the economic situation or the pain of this past year.

Recess is over… This past year has almost come to an end. It was an incredible year with highs and lows, pain and triumph!

Recess is over… It’s time to go beyond just “going on with life!”

(84th Entry) The First…

2008-12-17T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today is the first of what will repeat itself throughout this next year… Today would have been my parent’s 51st wedding anniversary. My father passed away on November 22nd, a few days before Thanksgiving.

Last year I wrote in my blog…

http://todreamtotouch.blogspot.com/2007/12/13th-entry-to-my-parents.html

Next we’ll have Christmas, then News Years, then his birthday, then Father’s Day, etc… Technically Thanksgiving would have been the first major day. I think that it was so close to his death that it just didn’t register.

Today my Mom has plans… she’s having people by the house and then they’re all going out to dinner… about 16 people.

Life goes on… In fact, the tribute to my Dad is that we are going on!

As he was dying we promised him that we would take care of one another and that we would all be ok.

I’m reminded of an interview that I did 22 years ago in Lufkin, TX. I interviewed a family whose first daughter was born with Down Syndrome. I was around 25 years old at the time. The couples name was Jim and Yvette. They were probably only in their early 30’s at the time. As I said, their first daughter was born with Down Syndrome. Their second daughter, Heidi, was in the sixth grade in what was called, “talented and gifted” program. Heidi was very bright and out going.

Yvette spoke so eloquently that day about her experiences with her daughter and her disability. The daughter was around 12 when I interviewed them. She had done remarkably well.

In one part of the interview Yvette talked about when she brought her daughter home from the hospital, she kept all of the drapes closed and didn’t want anyone to see her or her daughter. She talked about the process of working through these feelings and coming to terms with not only her own feelings, but the reactions of others. She then talked about having a second daughter who was “normal” and how this didn’t diminish in any way her feelings towards her first daughter. I can’t do justice to the words that Yvette spoke that day. But what I can do is express what she did for me.

During this time in my life I had been searching for a lot of answers. I had even gone to visit my childhood doctor’s. I had asked them many questions about how my parent’s handled my being born. It had been so many years that they really couldn’t remember details. What Yvette did for me was give me an insight into what parent’s go through when things happen in life.

As my friend and I drove home that day, we didn’t say a word for at least a half an hour.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m reminded of some event in life when writing in the blog or why an event just crosses my mind from no where. I’m still wondering about this one… Actually I probably know. It was Yvette’s ability to express the struggles, the feelings, the fear, the joy… It was her ability to put it all in perspective independently of my own life and my own experiences. By looking at someone else, I was able to see much of the details of my own life and my own family in new and different way.

Life is a series of memories… Easy to distort, easy to misunderstand, easy to forget…

(83rd Entry) My first year…

2008-12-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Little could I imagine what this past year would bring… I began this blog on November 24, 2007 at the urging of a friend who suggested that it might be the quickest way to kick-start my goals. Little did I know… Thanks John!

Today I spent some time reading from start to finish my blog… Since the beginning of this blog, I have been amazed… at the reception, the comments, the support.

People that I never thought would read the blog are some of the most loyal and others that I thought might follow it have not. Life is full of surprises.

I’ve also been amazed at myself, at my willingness to express feelings that I thought might be beyond approach or to be expressed to those close and far away.

We’re nearing the end of 2008… a new year is arriving. While again I can’t imagine what this New Year might have in store for me, I know that it will be as dramatic as or more so than this past year.

I know that there are major changes in my life awaiting me. Just in this past year… my parent’s celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, my Dad celebrated his 80th birthday and… on November 22nd my Dad passed away. This alone is a major change for my whole family. I’m glad he got to see at least the first year of this blog!

My family also made a lot of progress in business. Two new factories are running successfully today. While all of the dreams have not materialized they are at least being worked on, maturing at their own pace!

I know this next year will probably be more difficult and more challenging than this past… at least in terms of worldly things… business, etc.

Happy Birthday Blog!!! A few days late

(82nd Entry) Irony…

2008-12-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

What’s the difference between irony and coincidence? In this case irony happened after the coincidence.

If you look closely at my entry numbers I skip from entry 76 to entry 80 which talked about my Dad passing away. He was 80 years of age and I guess the number was just in my head. At his funeral we shot off 80 rockets, firecrackers in honor of his 80 years. The number 80 was prominent in my mind…

Yesterday I talked to an old friend, a former boss who had lost his father in the summer. It was really good talking to him. It was good talking to someone that was experiencing what I was experiencing… to hear where they were and how they were dealing with the issue.

One of the things we talked about was as our fathers were getting older and sicker; how we could offer and they could receive help. In my blog I’ve talked about this issue as it relates to the issue of disability. There’s so much more to talk about regarding the ability to ask and accept help.

As I say so often the issue of disability affects us all or will at some point in our lives. Whether it’s our age or an accident, illness, etc. or perhaps a family member, a friend… the issue will surface in our lives at some point.

So many of us think that our asking for help is just a burden on others... We sometimes don’t realize what a gift it is to another person.

I’m not amazed with the kindness that has been extended to me during this time. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances. When I got off the phone yesterday with my friend I wrote an email saying that even though we don’t talk often it feels as if it was only yesterday. The people I get to know… really know, have experiences with that transcend time are like this. Time just doesn’t matter.

It’s kind of like that with my Dad. Our experiences transcend time… In some ways they seem light years ago and in other ways they seem like yesterday.

(81st Entry) Coincidences…

2008-12-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

I just opened the Microsoft Word File that contains my entries for the blog. I hadn’t realized that my last Entry entitled, “My Father, My Friend… was my 80th entry… My Dad died at the age of 80.

This morning I kept thinking that I needed to write an entry for my blog to commemorate my first anniversary. Things have obviously been hectic in my life so I’m running a little behind. I knew that I had started the blog towards the end of November 2007. This morning I wondered if my first entry had been posted on November 22nd. I ran to the computer thinking that this was the feeling, the coincidence that I felt. My first entry however was posted on November 24, 2007. THEN… I open up the word file and there was the COINCIDENCE…

Carl Jung, the Swiss Psychiatrist, used the word… SYNCHRONICITY to describe events like these.

So often, if I listen, I have these little insights into life… these little moments of feeling something… an intuition. The question is… Do I go with them, do I listen, do I give them a second thought?

In the past I’ve written about, “just going on with life.”

When am I at my best? Whether it’s dealing with a disability or working with others or in corporate life? It’s when I listen to that inner feeling, inner thought… go with my “gut!”

How do you live with a disability? Every one has opinions. Every one thinks they have the answer, know what’s best for you, knows what you need to be successful.

To truly be successful with a disability or life in general is about taking responsibility for yourself… making decision for yourself based on these inner thought, inner feelings.

The only alternative is, “just going on with life.”

(80th Entry) My Father, My Friend… continued!

2008-11-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

May 1, 1928… November 22, 2008

This picture was taken last December when my whole family spent several days in Troncones, Mexico on the Pacific Coast. It was in celebration of my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. He had just received a new defibrillator a month earlier in Texas and just a few days after the picture had severe complications where he almost suffered a stroke. (I won’t go into the reasons this happened… now it just doesn’t matter now!)

These past few weeks while extremely difficult have been a spiritual adventure of the kind that I have never experienced.

There were so many things that have happened that I will remember for the remainder of my life… One of the most amazing moments was the very moment that my Dad died… My parent’s have a dog named Sabrina who loves both of them very much. She stayed with my Dad these past weeks with great concern and care. BUT… at the very moment he died she was again at his side. She got off the bed quickly, ran into the hall and barked several times. Sabrina doesn’t bark in the house… she talks which is like a howl, but this time she barked six times.

What ever your beliefs are… It just confirms to me that a spirit exists and that the body is just a body. Sabrina felt what was happening! She responded! We all responded.

I have never been present at the moment of death. I thought that it would be strange, uncomfortable, but it was just the opposite. We watched as my Dad suffered these past few weeks and yet when he died it was so peaceful. He simply went to sleep. These past few weeks while being in pain he looked so uncomfortable and contorted. Immediately upon dying he looked relaxed and at peace. He died in his own home, in his own bed, with his family and his animals.

My Father, My Friend

2008-11-24T05:14:00.001-08:00

May 1, 1928 --- November 22, 2008

(76th Entry) My world…

2008-11-13T09:50:00.001-08:00

My world seems to be tumbling down around me. My father is very, very sick… my family is extremely tired… business is difficult due to the world economic crisis and a city I love had and attack on it yesterday. (The police chief and two others were gunned down where my parent’s live.) It’s as if all of my dreams, hopes and ambitions are being suffocated.

What do I do? I could give up! But that’s not an option… I’ve been in this position before in life… in some ways. What happens when things seem hopeless? What are our options?

Right now I’m very sad! It would be very easy to give up, to not have hope. The problem is that I have dreams! I’ve made so much progress towards my dreams and yet I have some obstacles still to over-come. I have people that are relying on me… People who now have jobs that didn’t before!

I have some one in particular that I want to hire… She’s in a wheelchair. I haven’t met her, but she came to interview while I was with my family. Mary, my office manager, was very impressed with her. Unfortunately we just had started a new program in conjunction with the government and all of the slots had been taken. She took a taxi to visit us. This had to be a stretch for her financially. We’re about 20 miles from her home town. She’s able to take the bus if I am able to hire her. Mary was deeply moved by her desire to want to work. Giving jobs to disabled individuals is a major part of my dreams and now Mary’s dreams as well… I currently have around 22 employees… around 10 have disabilities.

In some ways I’ve never been so scared… everything in my life seems precarious and fragile. Right now things seem impossible, but yet on the horizon there are many positive things… 2009 could be the year that everything changes! The question is… can I make it that long?

Life is always interesting and challenging. I always say… if it was easy, everyone would do it!

I’ve never lost a parent before. Every one tells me… no matter how prepared you think you are… you’re not.

How do you keep your dreams alive? How do you maintain hope when things seem hopeless? It’s about faith. It’s about perseverance. It’s about stubbornness. The most difficult thing for me right now is to just do what needs to be done. There’s so much to think about… so many memories. My life is getting ready to change forever…

It’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves… In the last two months… I fell and broke my arm, we experienced the hurricane in Galveston, my Dad has been very sick, business is almost non-existent, a town I love is wounded and I’m sure there’s more if I think about… but these are the highlights.

OK… some things have happened in the past couple of months that seem overwhelming. It’s called life!

There have also been some good things that have taken place… in the midst of my Dad being sick, the whole family has spent time together… and we’ve been able to be ourselves, enjoy one another, have family arguments… but most of all be together and be with my Dad.

Next blog… more about hope, maintaining dreams!

(Some of my dreams are listed in the Mission Statement listed on the right hand side of the page.)

(75th Entry) The Truth Always…

2008-11-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was talking to an old friend in Nacogdoches, Texas. I mentioned in my last blog that I lived in a community of disabled individuals for a number of years… to be exact… 6 ½ years. The old friend that I was talking to yesterday was the director of the complex for the last couple of years of my living there. She’s largely responsible for my regaining faith in humanity and the helping profession. I often wonder what my outlook would be had she not come along and I had left that environment without seeing the “good” that exists in the people.

It’s difficult to talk about this experience in my life because so many people were affected in my first four years of living in this community. Suffice it to say… there is sickness in the helping profession, the care-giving profession. There are also wonderful, giving, caring people as well who give and take with respect and boundaries. During my 6 ½ years in this community I saw both.

One of the great lessons I learned in life happened in this environment… The truth always comes out in the end. Sickness can survive and be covered up for only so long. I use the word sickness… there many words I could use. I think that there exists in the helping profession a group of individuals who get into it for the wrong reasons. (This is a whole conversation by itself… left for another entry.)

One of the first things I noticed is that were a group of individuals who repeatedly said, “All I do is give and give and give and all they do is take and take and take…” a red light ought to go off if you ever hear this. At a minimum it means that someone in the helping profession is burned out, needs help, a rest… and it can be a clue to a whole lot more.

I learned that one of the simple laws of physics applies to the helping profession… For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You can only give as much as you receive. If you feel that it’s an unequal transaction then there’s probably an element of unhealthiness taking place.

The truth always comes out in the end. I am so grateful that I was fortunate enough to be around when the truth was revealed. I am grateful that my friend came along.

As always… so much more to write about regarding this entry!

(74th Entry) Asking for help…

2008-11-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

Why is asking for help so difficult for most of us? The other day after a talk that I had given, a man revealed to me that he was ninety years of age and was just recently forced into having to ask for help for things that he was no longer able to do. He said that it was difficult for him. My Dad is having to ask for and receive help with things that he has always been able to do as well. It’s difficult to watch.

I always say that the issue of disability applies to all, because at some point we’re all going to be to the point of having to ask for help. The definition of disability that I began this blog with is… anything that keeps us from doing or trying or feeling good about ourselves is a disability. In essence, anything that we have to ask for help can be considered our disability in our society.

In my talk I mentioned that part of dealing with a disability was the ability to ask and receive help yet be able to separate this help from our “self”. The ability to separate who we are from what we need is so vital in dealing with a disability.

At one point in my life I lived around many disabled individuals… all types, all levels. Many needed considerable physical care. There were those that handled it with grace and dignity and others who… What I also found interesting were the individuals who were the caregivers. For so long after this experience I was very cynical towards caregivers. (More about caregivers in my next entry) There’s a saying… Like kind attract. Those that handled their physical care with grace and dignity tended to attract caregivers with grace and dignity… Those that didn’t…

Asking for help… Difficult for most of us… We value our independence. Separating our “self”, our value as a person from our physical “self” in a world so materialistic and vain is difficult for most.

Christopher Reeves was a beautiful example… One minute normal, the next a quadriplegic... I recall an interview where he said that he wanted to die when he first realized what had happened and that it was his family that gave him the will to live. It was his family that gave him the realization that he had value whether he could move or not.

In an earlier blog entry I talked about at one point in my life when people held doors open for me I would walk to another door and open it myself. “I’ll show you!” Who was/am I/we really showing? Who are we trying to prove something too?

As always… more to come….

(73rd Entry) I really miss…

2008-11-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

I really miss writing. I really miss expressing myself. Things happen in life… we can write, talk or hold it in. Sometimes things seem to personal or frightening or painful to possibly express. Sometimes we think people or family or whoever might think we’re divulging too much of our selves. There are many reasons not to write or not to talk…

I miss it though…

My Dad has been very sick. He’s was in the hospital and a couple of times the doctor’s said he was going to die. He’s had the most amazing ups and downs… going from almost death to life again. At one point in the hospital he said the he was tired of fighting and asked if it was ok to just let go. The family told him yes. Yet later that afternoon to our amazement he said yes… to having an angiogram. His heart is less than 30%. The majority of his arteries are blocked with one graph from a previous by-pass surgery supplying the whole heart.

He’s at home now. He’s resting comfortably. He’s declining slowly, sometimes quickly. He’s no longer able to walk, even with the aid of his walker. He can still steady himself once standing with the walker and move from the wheelchair to a chair or a bed.

It’s difficult to watch someone you love decline in health. You always think it’ll be sometime else… sometime later… in the future… But eventually it happens. All who have lost a parent have told me no matter how prepared you think that you might be… you’re not! They’re right!

We’re all doing the best we can… We’re all coping, dealing and processing these days… the best we can!

As I said, he’s had some amazing ups and downs… All we want s for him not to suffer, not to linger, not to be in pain. We have outside help… around the clock nursing care. They don’t know us. I wonder what they think? The maid is part of the family, so she’s used to everyone.

The most difficult part for me and for everyone is the not knowing…

There’s so much going on… therefore so much to write about.

Update -- October 22, 2008

2008-10-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

My Dad has been in the hopsital and is seriously ill. I've been with the family for a couple of weeks. He's doing better, but still has a long way to go...

Below is an email that went out to friends last Friday when we brought him home from the hospital....

_______________________beginning of Patzcuaro message.............

We brought Errol home from the hospital yesterday in one of Patzcuaro’s new ambulances. He’s resting comfortably in his own bed and happy to be home with Sabrina, Gato, Gata and Paco!

He’s doing well, but still needs a lot of rest… So no visitors or telephone calls please.

He’s gone through a lot in the last week and a half, but he’s like the energizer bunny … He keeps going and going and going!

His sense of humor is as perverse as always. One morning in the hospital he woke up after thinking he wasn’t going to make it and his first words were, “I’m still alive. What a disappointment.”

He originally went to the hospital because Rose Ann found him on the floor in the middle of the night and thought that he was having a stroke. As it=2 0turns out he did not. He does have some neurological problems with the brain due to lack of proper blood flow which medication is helping. While at the hospital he had a massive nose hemorrhage. Had he not been in the hospital with excellent care he would not have made it. He said this procedure was worse than anything he’s experienced before. If all of this was not enough, he then went into heart failure. The doctor’s were able to clear his lungs quickly of fluid which made for a miraculous and quick recovery which is why he was able to come home.

He and the rest of the family have had a lot of ups and downs in the last twelve days… It’s been quite a roller coaster ride!!!

We appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers. Rose Ann would love to hear from everyone via email!!!! loca_rosanita@yahoo.com

Errol, Rose Ann, Rick, Debra, Charlie, Sabrina, Gato, Gata and Paco!!!

____________________________________ end of Patzcuaro message….

I'm giving a talk this Sunday in San Miguel... I'm using the same title that I used in Irapauto a few months ago.... "LEARNING TO LIVE WITH, FEEL COMFORTABLE AND BE PRODUCTIVE WITH A DISABILITY!"

This will be the first time that I speak publically in San Miguel about what I'm doing and what I'm trying to accomplish.

(72nd Entry) What a three weeks…

2008-09-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

It started out with a simple, but hard fall. I was moving out of an apartment that I had lived in for three years. There was some construction being done on the street in front of the apartment. I stepped onto the side walk from the street. The sidewalk had this coarse, dark sand that was invisible to my eye. My right foot went sliding down the incline to the driveway like it was on ice. I fell with my arm against my ribcage. I hit hard, bouncing over on my side. At first I thought I had broken my ribs, but I had simply knocked the air out of myself.

It took a few minutes, but I soon realized that it was my right arm that hurt so bad. To make a long story short, I needed two stitched in my left leg and I fractured the bone in the end of my right arm. That was towards the beginning of the week and then over the weekend we watched Hurricane Ike destroy Galveston.

We’re coming up on our third anniversary of moving our offices to Mexico from Galveston. We still have a warehouse with inventory and all of our mail goes to Galveston, but all of our operating facilities are in Mexico. We moved our offices three years ago when Hurricane Rita was to have hit Galveston, but at the last minute turned towards Louisiana. After that getting trucks, 18 wheelers, from Mexico to Galveston was impossible due to the back log.

We opened a couple of weeks later in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Five of our original employees are still working for us today. Actually 5 out of 7 are working today. Of course today there are 22 or 23 people working. We’ve added two factories and are still growing.

Back to my arm… It’s better. Not quit so painful. If they had put it in a caste I would have been severely limited in what I could do, so we’re letting it heal naturally. I actually did this before when I was 13. I had a bicycle wreck and hit my arm head on into the curb. I saw the fractures in the x-ray and they’ve healed nicely. This to will heal.

Back to Hurricane Ike… I’ve talked to some of my friends in Galveston. All had damage to things that they owned. All are ok. BUT.. they all sound different than they usually do. It’s that sound of despair, of being over-whelmed. As one friend of mine said, “Remember what we thought Rita was going to be? This was it.” My thought and prayers are with them.

Both of those events happened three weeks ago. And now the last two weeks… They can wait for another entry.

(71st Entry) Why I do…

2008-09-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Recently I was asked, “Why do you do the things that you’re doing?” I ask myself this question quit often as well. I most often ask on days when things are difficult and seem almost impossible.

Then there are days that surprise me and all my doubts subside and the reason that I do what I do is simply obvious…

We had a birthday party last Friday. We opened our Mexican office three years ago. We started with six employees. In those days the parties were quiet. Not these days… with twenty-four employees, we had someone playing a guitar and lots of folks singing. It was a joyous event… at least for me… and I think for Mary as well.

It’s one of those events where you’re glad you have hot, spicy food, so that people don’t realize that those are tears of joy and elation.

We’ve worked so hard and sometimes lose sight of our true reason for doing what we’re doing. I gave Mary a ride home that night and said to her, “you have to be proud of what happened today.” She readily acknowledged and agreed that we had created something special. Even a week later as I write this, I find myself emotional. We have 24 people, 8 of whom are disabled and yet there were just 24 employees sharing in a party… not 8 and 16… but 24.

Of course a week has gone by and all the stress of work, of running factories and operating in a bad economy weighs heavily so… It's nice to look back

And now a few pictures...

This is Juan... Our Grabado muestro... It was his biurthday this month as well... He a great individual. When Mary and I first approached him about teaching... He said absolutely not. He had good reasons, but today he is as commited to the dream as Mary and I. And of course Krispy...

(70th Entry) The last several weeks…

2008-08-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

I hate it when I go to long without writing. Getting back into the flow seems so difficult.

I just returned from New York! As always… I love New York. There’s just a magic to it.

I attended the New York International Gift Fair where my Mom and I tried to sell our products. Times are tough in the U.S. Buyers are nervous. No one really knows what to expect.

We seem to be a company always in transition… Our old mainstay product was hand-hammered copper. The problem is that copper has become so expensive that it’s prohibitive to sell. Only a select few understand and appreciate it enough to pay the kind of prices that we must charge. Of course the Santa Rosa Candles have been a product… a great product for many years. My Mom started the company with a glass line and that’s where we’re back to today… Glass… Especially the carved glass that is done in our new factory!

I shared with people “our story.” How we’re trying to hire disabled individuals to work, to learn to carve glass. People really responded. I had made a little hand-out that had a few pictures and a few lines about what we’re doing… At the bottom it said… “Be a part of The Story”

As I said, we're a company in transition. We arrived in New York and created the booth with what items we had in our mini-warehouse and some items lent to us by our neighbors who happen to be good friend as well. My Mom hadn’t gone to market in six years. She had to admit that things had changed drastically in that time. We’re located on Pier 94 and since she had been the whole make-up of the pier’s had changed. Not to mention the neighborhood. Pier 94 is located on 52nd and the West Side Highway. This neighborhood has changed dramatically in the last few years. Once what was a rough area has turned into a trendy neighborhood.

It’s good to be back home! There’s lots to do to ensure that the dream survives.

UPDATE...

2008-08-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

I've been in New York for the past 12 days. I've just returned home so I'll get back to the writing.

As always there's lots to say!

So hopefully by Sunday I'll start having new entries.

Stay tuned!

(69th Entry) My talk in Irapuato

2008-08-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

Last May I went on a meditation retreat. It was a great needed weekend of peace and quiet. During that weekend I met a Doctor by the name of Eugenio. He’s a pediatric orthopedic surgeon for CRIT, Centro de Rehabilitacion Infantil Teleton or just Teleton. Telethon is a clinic for disabled children in Mexico. They now have 11 clinics and aim to have one in every State. At that retreat he casually asked if I would like to come to CRIT and give a talk. I of course answered yes, thinking that the likelihood of it actually materializing would be minimal. Well shortly after that weekend I began hearing from both Eugenio and the Human Resource director of Teleton in Irapauto, Guanajato.

To make a long story a little shorter on Thursday, July 31st, I’m in a car with my two interpreters heading towards Irapauto. Most people only need one interpreter, but I always tend to do things with a little more fanfare… Makari and Nataraj are good friends of mine. Nataraj is the person who has helped with all of the videos and Makari was my Spanish tutor until life just got to hectic. Makari who is from Mexico City understands 90% of everything I say so therefore Nataraj, a Canadian by birth, fills in the 10% gap. Now you understand why I had two translators.

Telethon arranged for us to stay in a hotel for the night. Our friend Eugenio, Dr. Eugenio de Pavia M., picks us up for dinner. We go to the old Sanborn’s in downtown Irapauto and talk for a couple hours. It’s at that time that I discovered that my talk was to be in front of 125 people. I had known that the talk was to take place at 7:00 a.m. which is why I had asked Nataraj to bring a coffee maker. I didn’t realize that I was speaking in front of 125, doctors, nurses, social workers, psychologists… in other words the entire staff of the clinic.

I had brought with me some notes from previous talks. When I returned from dinner I spent a couple hours reviewing the notes. I created my outline… approximately 18 words on a single page of paper… The title of my talk was “HOW TO LIVE WITH, FEEL COMFORTABLE AND BE PRODUCTIVE WITH A DISABILITY”

We arrived at the clinic at 7:00 a.m. where we proceeded to the auditorium. I was introduced and began my talk. It was an incredible experience. I had never given a talk where I had to have it translated. It was an amazing experience. I learned so much. By having it translated I was forced to slow down, say only a couple of sentences at a time. By doing this it forced me to collect my thoughts, think about where I was, think about how it connected to what I had said and where I wanted to go. I realized that I had included just as much or more substance than if I had just been speaking for an hour and ten minutes with no translation. I realized that I was focusing on the audience, watching there reactions. I wasn’t just in my head, talking. There were several times that I paused, looked at my outline and regained my cadence.

It was an incredible experience for me and I hope for those listening as well.

After the talk, several of us had breakfast together at the little café on site. Afterwards two individuals, Angel Zavaleta (HR dirctor) and Dr. Guadalupe Reyes Mail (Chief of Staff) proceeded to give Makari, Nataraj and myself a tour of the clinic. I think we spent two hours touring the clinic. I kept thinking back to my days as a young child going to the old Scottish Rites Hospital in Dallas. What a difference time has made in the ways we deal with the issue of disability.

This clinic was incredible! Not just in the facilities, but also in the philosophy. First, architecturally the building and grounds were open, airy and colorful. Second, the facilities were a good as I had ever seen. State of the art equipment was everywhere. Third, the philosophy was one of treating not only the whole person… body, mind and spirit; but also the whole family. I could go on and on. It was just a moving experience for me… for the three of us from start to finish.

To have a dream means to have desire. To have desire means to want to accomplish something. To want to accomplish something means to have the confidence, the self esteem and drive necessary to make it happen. There’s a line between confidence and arrogance. In my Mission Statement I make clear what my goals are… I started the blog back in November of 2008. While I haven’t accomplished all of my goals, I’ve made tremendous strides. Dreams sometimes seem to be bigger than reality… sometimes they change over time and sometimes they come true or sometimes you just give up! Sometimes you just keep going when all logic says… it’s impossible!

We have 8 out of 24 employees who are disabled. I gave a talk that lived up to my dreams. Not that it was perfect… But it was! I have a few video clips… the beginning of another dream. What more can I ask in eight months?

Sometimes I question my dreams. Am I really capable of doing…? Do I really have what it takes to do all that I say…? At the risk of sounding arrogant… I think I do!

(68th Entry) A week to remember and a little to forget…

2008-08-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

This week started out with the government of the state of Guanajato inaugurating our work of hiring disabled individuals. Read my sister-in-laws, Debra’s, blog entry on this.

Debra's Blog Entry

She does a great job of telling the story.

For me, it was an amazing event. It’s been a dream in the making for over twenty five years. I honestly didn’t think that it would be this monumental of an event for me. But it was. As you read my blog these past eight months we’ve have had our moments… good and bad, highs and lows. The blog can only reveal a small part of the struggles that have actually been taking place in my life. Great things have happened! Yet the struggles continue and give me reason for concern.

Having two factories open in the course of eight months has been very taxing on all of us trying to survive day to day. My parents came for the month of July to help relieve Mary (our office manager) and I of some of the burden. Their help and time was invaluable.

Also this week we had a major catastrophe. No one was hurt… that’s the important thing. A few material items were ruined, but they can be replaced. It’s just part of running a business. Sometimes you have good luck, sometimes not so good.

I always say… “If it was easy, everyone would do it!”

One of the reasons that the inauguration was so powerful for me is not just because it was a dream come true, but a moment when I realized just how far I’ve come, we’ve come. I’m responsible for 24 individuals… making sure they’re paid every week. Some of them could easily get other jobs, but what about the one’s that can’t? We’ve started something that is “catching on”, getting noticed. Bad economy or not… This has to be successful!

In entry 65, I talked about the individuals that came a few weeks ago to interview for jobs. Not only were they inspiring to us, they showed us just how grateful they were to be given the opportunity to work. It was touching, moving. They are all working now for us.

Somewhere in a previous blog or two, I talked about my own struggle to get my first corporate position. It takes a dream… a commitment… help… to get things done.

The week started with an amazing Monday and finished with an amazing Friday… with just one little lousy day in-between.

In my next entry, I’ll talk about Friday… My talk at CRIT, Teleton, located in Irapuato, Guanajato, Mexico. Another very moving day for me…

(67th Entry) “If you build it, they will come…”

2008-07-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

God! I hope so. Remember this line from the film FIELD OF DREAMS? People thought Kevin Costner’s role was crazy for building a baseball field in the middle of a
corn field. This is how I feel right now building two new factories in tough economic times and trying to hire disabled individuals to work in them. I feel a little crazy, a little over-whelmed!

I’ve said on many occasions that this is a dream. What I’m trying to do is a dream… a way to give back. Do something different.

What are dreams? Why do we follow our dreams? Why do some people never follow their dreams?

Dreams aren’t always rational. Sometimes they’re something that we’re being called to do. Doing what I’m doing in San Miguel probably was not the best or most rational business decision to be making at this time… or at least at the speed at which I’m doing it.

Motivation, Dreams, Desires!!! What causes us to want to fight for something, fight to be able to do something? Why do some people just give up when faced with adversity?

This week is looking like a busy, fun filled, exciting week. On Monday, July 28th, the State government of Guanjato Mexico is coming out to inaugurate a joint program that makes it possible for us to hire more disabled individuals. Then on Friday, August 1st, I’m giving a talk at a national clinic in Mexico called, Teleton. It’s a system of clinics that work with disabled children. The title of my talk is… “Learning to live with, feel comfortable and be productive with a disability”. And… in between keep working with employees, factories, customers and more.

What motivated me to get to this point in my life? How did I learn to live with a disability? What were the steps to feeling comfortable with my disability? Why is there a desire to be productive when in reality I could get by with being less than productive?

Adversity in life seems to cause some to do more and others to do nothing.

I think it starts very early in life.

I think I said this many entries ago… I’ve been asked many times what I consider to be the difference between the issues of having congenital disability and having an accident. And then.. one step further… why do some that have accidents do well in their recovery and others do nothing at all. Simple answer… Those individuals who had happy, healthy, productive lives prior to their accident learn to have happy, healthy, productive lives after their accident. And for many… that had unhappy lives prior to their accident continue that pattern. There are always exceptions! This is not absolute… just a general observation from my own experience.

Once we establish a pattern… Patterns are difficult to break, but they can be broken. Patterns start for many different reasons. Sometimes they start because it’s just easier for people to let us do what we’re doing than to try to motivate us to do something different. If you remember back to my entries 45 to 49 talking about the original grabado maestro and the negative effects he had on several of my employees, then it’ll be no surprise that these employees are again acting out those negative patterns.

We didn’t stay on top of the problem. We became involved in other issues around the company and didn’t keep our focus on the originals problem. How do you motivate people to change? The two girls know right from wrong. They know what they’re doing. The problem is that they have no respect for themselves, for the company, for their co-workers or me.

Another whole dimension of motivation is respect… for ourselves and for those around us. Until we have respect, all other issues are mute. Why should I do something for myself when I can ask someone else to do it for me? Why should I work hard if no one penalizes me when I don’t?

In so many ways bad habits of any sort boil down to respect.

(66th Entry) Feeling sorry for ourselves…

2008-07-19T05:34:00.001-07:00

We all do at times!!! For some reason this title has been on my mind for a few days. I have no idea exactly why or… maybe deep down inside I do...

It’s easy at times for anyone to feel sorry for themselves. Who hasn’t? The question is… what do we do about it? How do we react to it? How do we “get out of it”? Or… At times does it serve a purpose?

It seems to me that there’s so much written about subjects like attitude, positive thinking, motivation, etc. and yet this what am I doing? Why?

People who know me now probably would have a difficult time believing that I used to be extremely shy and self conscious… I might not have acted like it at times on the “outside”, but on the “inside” I had this sense that something was wrong… that I was different. After all, everywhere I went/go people stare at me, make comments. It didn’t matter if the comments were positive or negative… they were still comments, looks, reactions...

The interesting thing about being or feeling “different” is that it doesn’t matter what others say. Even the positive comments are interpreted as negative, because you don’t understand the context.

I mentioned before that all of my life I’ve heard the comments… “You’re such an inspiration.” What does that mean? The other comment is… “God has BIG plans for you.” These statements are a tremendous amount of responsibility for someone to bear when they’re extremely shy and self conscious.

What did I do to be an inspiration? What big plans? Is it about me? Or is it about the person saying it? Or possibly… it’s a little about both.

When I was younger, more self conscious and much angrier about life... My answer to the questions above would have been… It’s a way for people to not have to feel or understand their feelings… to not be responsible for their feelings and place them back on me. In other words, when I look at you I feel something. I don’t know exactly what it is or why I do, but I do. So I say something to you so I can feel better.

The irony is I too was that other person and as I changed, my perception of myself changed.. so did the comments… and definitely the way that I interpreted the comments.

Why do telethons raise so much money? It’s because they bring out the emotion, the compassion, and the empathy in people… FEELINGS! Is this bad?

One of my many goals is to create a healthier environment for disabled and non-disabled individuals… To challenge the status quo… to challenge both disabled and non-disabled individuals and to begin to look at the issue of disability in a different form…

One of the things that I’ve learned in my life and it’s taken a long time… is that the dynamics of the issue of disability is a complicated one. It’s about understanding feelings and taking responsibility for our feelings.

Feeling sorry for myself, having a good attitude, getting motivated all have to do with the way that I view my self and my world.

As I said above… there are a lot of people writing about motivation, attitude, positive thinking, etc. When you have a disability or any problem that is “real” to you or you live or take care of someone… there are no simple one, two, three fixes.

For me… in my life… changes have occurred slowly. As I look back there’s always a story. The problem is that I didn’t always understand how to put the story together, to utilize the story. It seems to me that if I had understood the story better, understood the dynamics of the issue of disability better as it was happening… I might have been better able, better equipped to deal with the feelings.

For me… this is where motivation comes from… understanding the story… taking the story and giving it meaning. When I understand my story I have a choice… Do I want to be angry and bitter or do I want something greater?

The question is… How do we express our feelings? Where do we expend our energy?

Do we feel sorry for ourselves or do we take another step?

(65th Entry) This week…

2008-07-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

This week has been another exciting week. We’ve made tremendous strides in our new candle facility. We’ve seem to have worked out the kinks of opening a new factory. In addition, we’re finishing our prototypes for our new Grabado machines… glass carving. These machines are being made locally and two (four workstations) are being made for wheelchairs.

On Friday we had four individuals come to our office to interview for positions in Grabado that begin on Monday, July 28th. The four individuals were disabled. These four plus two other individuals (disabled as well) will begin working in two weeks.

As I’ve said numerous times… Life in interesting! I feel as if I’m in a strange position. I have this desire to hire disabled individuals… give people an opportunity to work. This is great! It’s what I want to do. It feels like the right thing to do based on my past and my interests… and the need. All of the individuals on Friday seemed to be very excited about having this opportunity.

In one way this is strange because it’s very touching to watch people as they’re given an opportunity to do… It’s strange because I remember how difficult at times it was for me to have a job… to get a job.

It’s strange because this company that my family has is a business. It’s not a non profit organization trying to do good. It’s a “real” company offering “real” jobs and sells “real” products.

The employees are “value-add”. They produce and truly earn their pay.

We’re in the midst of a severe retail slowdown. Yet, I’ve made commitments to hire and give an opportunity to a number of individuals.

If I had been asked a year ago if I wanted to publicize what I’m doing to the level that I am… I would have unequivocally said… “No Way!!!” “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Sometimes I ask myself "Why"... Why am I doing this? Questioning is good. It’s good to know where you’re coming from and why you’re doing what you’re doing. What is my motivation? What are my reasons for doing what I'm doing?

I didn’t want to have to be so public. I worry about exploiting the people I have working for us. However the bottom line is… either we sell our products… and our products are great!!! Or we don’t. The consequences of not selling means… no jobs or at least fewer jobs.

If you had been at my office on Friday, seen the people, seen their eyes, their excitement… and their gratitude… If I was just doing this for business… there are much easier ways.

As I said… I always question my motives. Sure… I want my family’s company to be successful… who wouldn’t?

I walked away Friday frightened… because I have made these commitments… I’ve seen for myself the people. It’s real.

And by the way… selling more means more jobs!

Currently I have four disabled individuals working in our grabado facility… 4 out of 7. By the end of the month we should have six more disabled individuals… 10 out of 13 doing grabado.

Two other blogs to read about what I’m doing…

Jennifer Rose... Staring at Strangers: When Disability is a Metaphor

John Woods... A Life in Mexico: Employing the Handicapped

Plus my sister-in-law will be writing an article about what we’re doing soon as well…

In addition... she has a great blog on Mexico: Zocalo de Mexican folk Art If you have an interest in Mexico... It's a must read!

The response and support that I've received has been amazing.

My Mother and Father are here helping out after four years of retirement from the business.

My brother and sister-in-law are always an integral part of all of this. They are involved in everything from production to marketing to whatever needs to be done!!!

This is truly a family affair and none of this would be possible without them!

Plus friends... more than willing to lend their expertise, guidance and advice to help this project, the products and the company to succeed.

One more person that has contributed so much to this project is our office manger... Mary Gonzales. My brother hired her two and a half years ago when the company moved it's offices to Mexico. She had no idea what she was getting in to. I just walked in one day a year ago and said... this is what I want to do.

(64th Entry) More to talk about…

2008-07-06T07:06:00.000-07:00

Another adventurous week in factory life! We now have 18 employees, two factories and our warehouse where we pack and distribute our products. We also wholesale items made by others in Mexico. All of the products we sell are hand made which means there’s always room for human error, inconsistencies, etc.

So this week we discover in our new candle factory that we’ve had open for five weeks that we’ve had a little learning lesson again in what it means to make our own products and what it means to make hand made products.

Mary (my office manager) and I thought that we had learned good lessons from our experience of opening the Grabado factory (glass carving) and wouldn’t make the same mistakes twice. Fortunately I don’t think we have… we just have made new mistakes in a new factory.

You always hear… “If it doesn’t kill you; it’ll make you stronger.” I’m still waiting for the outcome.

Our candle making process is much more complicated than I ever imagined. I hope to have short video clips soon to show the process. This week I discovered that the color of the candle is different than what I thought. Every batch of candles is hand-mixed; hand poured and thus is truly hand made. They always vary slightly in color. The question is… to what degree of difference is acceptable?

OTHER ISSUES…

In the grabado factory we’re in the process of making additional equipment that people in wheelchairs can roll under so that we can continue our quest of hiring disabled individuals. As of now all of our disabled individuals are capable of walking and work on the original equipment.

I have seven employees carving glass at this time. Three of them are physically disabled and one is mildly mentally challenged. There seems to be a little prejudice from some of the physically disabled individuals and non-disabled individuals towards our one person who is mentally challenged. They don’t seem to want to help her.

This isn’t a surprise… Often there tends to be prejudice even within the disabled community towards other disabilities. After all we’re all only human at the end of the day. I’ll have to help everyone work through these issues.

I think it again illustrates just how difficult it is to bring together individuals through what we have in common as opposed to what we have in differences. It’s not just the issue of disability that can’t pull together… just look at the world of politics within the U.S.

It’s so much easier to focus on our differences… say your different than me… than it is to look for the things that we have in common… the things that might bring us together. As long as we focus on our differences… we don’t have to connect with others. We don’t have to be vulnerable. As long as I’m different… I don’t have to be responsible for anything. I don’t have to get involved.

If I recognize my “same-ness”… I have to get involved, be a part of…

Where and how do I want to spend my energy? How do I want to come across? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go?

(63rd Entry) Continuation of Entry 62…

2008-06-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

In reference to the comments on Entry 62, the conclusion of the doctors that I worked with back in 1984 was that my problems were not caused by thalidomide. In addition, my mother was not prescribed thalidomide during her pregnancy or had access. Question for another time... but what if... ? (Referred to at the end of this entry... )

Also, I’m 48 years old and have exhibited none of the symptoms which you describe for those in middle age. Also I have none of the internal symptoms that were associated with thalidomide which was one of the factors that led to the conclusion above.

As stated in the previous entry the professional’s conclusion was that I fit into a category called Moebius Syndrome…

I find your comments intriguing and appreciate you putting them out for others to read.

I have always been one that thinks we spend too much time changing words to change attitudes. For instance, the word crippled was used which eventually changed to handicapped which eventually became physically challenged… However I am struck by the phrase “Thalidomide Monster”

I think it’s very important for us to understand who we are and what problems we have or will have, however in earlier blog articles I talk about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. One of the things that I am trying to focus on in my blog are those things which bring us together, unite disabled individuals. These are the things that I think can bring us as a group to a point where we might find it easier to accomplish our goals. While I think it’s important that people unite with a common issue as the Moebius Syndrome foundation has or groups focusing on thalidomide… I also think it’s important that we unite at a higher level. A level that brings together all types of disabilities in that we might see what we have in common as opposed to our differences. Read entry 53/52… for more info.

I don’t want to ever minimize anyone’s reality, what they’re experiencing, but at the same time I want to maximize what we have in common… that we’re all struggling, dealing with the issue of disability. Once we go beyond the physical, we have much more in common that what separates us… both as a group of individuals and in the world at large.

Again a question... what if I am a thalidomide baby? Other than answering cause and effect and giving me information about my body as I age... What are the broader implications in how I would live my life today?

Once we know what our condition is and we’ve begun to deal with the reality of our condition… what’s next? What kind of life do we want to live? What do we want to do with our lives? Do we want to go forward… ? Do we want to live in anger and blame? These are the questions that I want to address. I think there are those who go forward with life and those who “surrender to hopelessness”.

What do I want to spend my energy on today? This seems to me to be my question. Once I've done those physical tasks, met those physical needs each day... What then?

Life is a duality… I find it sad when I read some of the information that you mentioned about the problems that individuals are having as they age with thalidomide… it’s tragic! I also find it a strange irony that thalidomide is being used again today to treat certain diseases and problems… AIDS being one of them.

I would really like to know more about you and continue a dialogue.

I have a feeling I’ll be writing more about this issue. I think this might be a good time to begin talking about causes, blame, guilt, anger, responsibility, questioning why... All of the things that go along with being involved in the issue of disability... whether one is born with one, becomes disabled, has a family member who is...

Keep the comments coming….

(62nd Entry) What a week!

2008-06-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

My 61st Entry still strikes a cord within me.

First, the idea of fundamentalism… the need to have an answer. People ask me quite often… “What happened? Why were you born the way that you were born?” It seems that Canadians ask me most often if I was a thalidomide baby. Thalidomide was a drug developed in Germany and sold between 1957 and 1961. It was prescribed mostly to pregnant women for morning sickness. Estimates vary but it believed that there were 10,000 to 15,000 babies affected by thalidomide.

In 1984 I went to the University of Texas Health Science Center Dallas… a place I had spent much time during the early 80’s having had two major surgeries in 1981 and 1982. I consulted with two individuals in the Division of Clinical Genetics. They concluded, “After reviewing your medical history and examining you carefully, we feel that your symptoms fit most closely with the Moebius Syndrome. This would account for your limb anomalies, facial nerve palsy, tongue anomalies, small mouth and facial asymmetry.” The report went on to say that the cause of Moebius Syndrome is not clearly known…

OK… the internet is so cool. I’ve had this report for 24 years and it has never occurred to me to go out to the internet and type in Moebius Syndrome. Well… I just did… You know… There’s a Moebius Syndrome Foundation.

I think there’s a time in all of our lives that we seek to find answers… and hopefully a time that we seek possibilities…

Things have been hectic, but...

2008-06-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

I wanted to place a short entry out today to let you know that I'm still alive and thinking about the blog. I've been very busy with the new candle factory, going to market, 8 new employees and trying to survive in these precarious economic times.

I'm going to have new posts coming very soon!

Of course comments on the site or emails always are fun to receive...

(61st Entry) Political Correctness… not me!

2008-06-08T05:03:00.001-07:00

The other day I had two people visit my factory to check on working conditions. They are part of a major corporation in the U.S. I believe they were very impressed with our facilities. I know that I feel very good about them.

BUT… It started me thinking… Always a dangerous thing! About art imitating life, about going to far, about imposing our will on others, about many things including political correctness…

Before in my blog I’ve alluded to how we’ve gone so far in corporate culture and our society in terms of political correctness that we can’t even ask questions to another person in order that we might be able to understand them better. If we understand them better then it seems reasonable that we can work with them better. But we’re taught, told and insisted not to ask questions.

I also began thinking about the apprentice system. A system of teaching which a student studied with a master for a number of years in order to learn a trade. Knowledge was handed down from one person to another… Parent’s to their children often starting at a young age. It is a system of learning that has all but disappeared from the U.S. culture.

As I said above I was thinking about art imitating life. I’ve often said that the movie RAINMAN with Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise struck a cord in the U.S. because it personified what many people felt at the time and still do… that the world is changing so rapidly and that there’s just a limited amount that we can comprehend. Our senses are overwhelmed.

My good friend Mike used to quote a line… “I would rather live in the greater world of confusion than the smaller worlds of certainty.” Or would you rather live in the greater world of certainty than the smaller world of confusion? To me… The latter is the definition of FUNDAMENTALIST! The problem is that when we live in that larger world of certainty and we have a crisis… the crisis is magnified thousands of times! (Quote unknown and might not be exact…)

Last night I had a dream… it dawned on me that the show… THE APPRENTICE, produced by Donald Trump and Mark Burnett was again capturing a sentiment that had been lost in the U. S. culture. This desire to be mentored by someone… in this case Donald Trump… the opportunity to learn and have career… to be passed the secrets to success… to feel secure. THEN… in my dream it dawned on me that Donald Trump should do an Apprentice show with all disabled individuals. I have no idea if this is happening, if I might have heard it or… Can you imagine Donald Trump doing a season with only disabled individuals? Can you imagine what kind of impact that this could have for the disabled community? I say do it just like any other Apprentice Season… Let The Donald be The Donald!

(60th Entry) Adventures in San Miguel

2008-06-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

On Monday we did indeed open our candle factory. We spent the day doing the final touches, installing and testing the actual equipment. And then… on Tuesday morning we melted paraffin for the very first time. A very exciting moment!!!

My family sells and now makes “in house” the Santa Rosa Mexican Church Candle… They’re made the traditional way… the paraffin is poured over and over the wick to make a candle that flows… to see examples… go to www.roseannhalldesigns.net

I worked in the corporate world for 11 years and ran a non-profit organization for approximately five years prior to that. The experience of helping and watching my family open a business in Mexico 2 ½ years ago has been the most amazing learning experience in my life. I wish that I could have had this experience prior to going into the corporate world. I have learned more about people, business, factories, production, motivation and most of all I have learned an incredible amount about myself. I hope that I’ve been changed by this experience. I think I have.

My life in San Miguel de Allende Mexico over the past two years has been an incredible adventure. It started because of hurricane Rita in September of 2005 which was coming towards Galveston, TX… but missed and of course we all know the out-come… more devastation to Louisiana. The family business couldn’t get the 18 wheeler full of inventory to Galveston, so over-night practically we moved the business to Mexico.

Our first two years in the business were spent just as they were in Galveston. We bought items and then wholesaled through out the U.S. Six months ago we opened our first factory and this week our second.

Mexico… is a very interesting place! Doing business can be not only interesting, but sometimes very frustrating. When you’re raised in one culture and have learned what to expect… coming to a new culture to do business can be definitely interesting.

For those who have read the blog before, my goals in the Mission Statement are apparent. In our two new factories, I’m making progress on hiring disabled individuals. Of course there are obstacles, but nothing impossible. It just takes time.

I’ve come so far in fulfilling my dreams in the Mission Statement. We’re so close. Times are tough right now and it’s taking everything we have to survive through these economic times. They too shall pass… We’ve invested a lot in the hope, dreams and future of all of our lives. Life is a gamble!

The interesting thing about dreams is that sometimes you do things that might seem impossible, irrational… things that you might never do if it was just for business. I think about Martin Luther King’s speech… “I have a Dream!” How important are your dreams? How far are willing to go to fulfill them?

What I’ve learned these past two and a half years are the things that are important to me… in my life. What do I value? What do I believe in? Who and what are important in my life?

I think I’ve talked in my blog before about my life changing during my adolescent years. I’m beginning to have those qualities back that I had as a child, the one’s that I lost along the way in life.

I talk often about this desire for us to “just go on with life”, not searching or asking questions. I’m beginning to see that for me… I lost “the dream” and I see what happens when we do that. It’s so easy for us to get “hardened” by life… to just go on!

The irony… I’m back in Mexico! I grew up coming to Mexico every summer until the age of 12… adolescents! I came back 2 ½ years ago… there’s something magical for me in Mexico. It goes back to when I was young. There are only two places I go that I have the feeling that I’m at home… Mexico and New York City.

So much more to express…

(59th Entry) The hiatus is over…

2008-06-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Things have been crazy, but then when isn’t it? If you’re doing things, taking chances, trying to do new things… then life is always going to be crazy.

We open our new candle factory today! OK… the maestro is here along with his wife and two employees. I have four new house guests. If you recall from earlier blog entries this is my second maestro to move to my life. The first was… the grabado maestro, glass carving. Victorio is the candle maestro and is a great person. I have a much better feeling about this experience as opposed to the last.

My family makes the Santa Rosa Mexican Church candle. It’s made by hand… by pouring paraffin over and over the wick, building up layers. The candles are wonderful. They’re kind of like my family and me. You either love them or hate them… but you definitely have an opinion on them.

Also you probably recall from earlier entries my struggle with the factory… the problems, etc. Well… for better or worse I finished it and we’re starting to actually make candles tomorrow.

I’ve missed my blog writing. Things got pretty overwhelming with two factories coming on line within six months of each other… not to mention the U.S. economy… sales are slow… tough! Fortunately we have a loyal following which helps.

If you read the Mission Statement you can see it’s ambitious. It involves every aspect of my life. I wish all of this was happening at an easier time, but it is what it is! Things are beginning to come together… the factories, products, website, employees, etc. We’re hoping to hire 12 more employees in the next month. Some are for the candle factory and others will be for the grabado. Of course my game plan is to follow my Mission Statement… We’re working with some government organizations that are very interested in what we’re trying to accomplish... as with all governmental organizations it takes time and lots of patience.

So… as I said the hiatus is over. My goal is to write several entries a week…

(58th Entry) Disability and Motivation

2008-05-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

OK… This video clip is a little long… sorry… but… They really are extemporaneous. Except for the quote... that was planned.

I think the thing that surprises me in this video is how the issue of asking for help and coming across as demanding plays into the issue of motivation as an issue of taking responsibility.

I do think about these things ahead of time, but they're not scripted. As I watch them, I'm often surprised at the things that come out and the things that I thought I would say and didn't.

(57th Entry) Crap in, Crap out… Good Luck, Bad Luck!

2008-05-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

Things happen in life. We’ve experienced many unexpected problems… potential problems, interruptions, etc. in our attempt to do the things we’re trying to accomplish. We used to have a saying in corporate life… crap in crap out… if you have bad input you get bad output. You make decisions based on the information that you’re given. When you’re given bad information you make bad decisions. It’s that simple.

We’re in the middle of building a new factory. I was given some very bad information and I made some very important decisions based in this information in regards to building the factory or moving to a new location. There’s no reason to go into all of the details. Needless to say it’s frustrating!

It’s always easy to blame everyone else when things happen to us in life. In this case I could and sometimes do, but this is business. Business is business. I should have had several quotes before making any decision, but I didn’t. I trusted one person. I made a bad decision. I have to live with the consequences.

Building a building is much like dealing with a disability. You get the best advice, consultation and then you have to make your own decisions. You then live with those decisions… the consequences.

Almost twenty years ago some very good friends of mine called to ask me questions about a decision that they were about to make regarding their daughter. They were making a decision to have an operation that could have life long consequences. There were no clear cut answers and the results were not completely known. It seemed… this is the clue… What seemed logical, intuitively correct… is! Sometimes this is what you have to go on,, all you have to go on.

We make decisions in life based on the information that we have. Sometimes we have to make decisions for others. In those cases we and they must live with the consequences. Twenty years later everyone looks back at that operation and concludes it was a great decision. But what if it wasn’t? Everything has consequences… positive or negative.

I’ve had to make decisions that I’ve had to live with that those close to me didn’t necessarily agree with or even really understand why I was making them. Sometimes we make decisions and things happen that we didn’t imagine would happen. Sometimes there are good unexpected results.

I haven’t found the good unexpected results in the factory debacle yet… but I’m looking.

(56th Entry) Time flies…

2008-05-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

March and April were sparse months for entries into my blog. It was the beginning of March when things became difficult with the grabado factory (glass carving). Our maestro decided to leave on a whim. We wondered what we would do to survive.

Well time has passed and we’ve managed to keep on going. Things seem to work out…

In our grabado factory we have four workers. Two of whom are disabled. Things have settled down since I last wrote about this and we’re producing glass. We also have a new maestro teaching several times a week who really seems to be a positive influence on the employees. (Entries 45 to 49 talk about the maestro from Hell who left)

We’re also in the process of building a candle factory as well. And of course this is a whole other source of issues and repercussions… to be discussed later.

Where am I in terms of “My Dream”, my goals and my Mission Statement? And of course Reality!

Hiring disabled individuals… We’ve found 3 to 5 individuals in wheel chairs that Mary (my office manager) and I are going to interview next week. I’m really excited about this. Of course this brings new issues that will have to be resolved. We’re going to have to make new grabado equipment that will accommodate wheel chairs. We need more machines anyway. We currently have six stations and are looking to add 4 to 6 people.

The real problem is transportation… and then some issues with accessibility of our buildings. So far I’ve found only one van in town that has a lift. This belongs to one of the local government agencies. We’re working with several government organizations that have an interest in helping us. They’re visiting next week and hopefully will help us address this issue. If not, I’ve thought of several other possibilities.

Last week our four grabado individuals produced 425 pieces of carved glass. The week that the maestro from Hell left we produced 300 pieces. Now the maestro was full time and was producing glass as well during the week. Our new maestro comes only to teach, not to produce and is there approximately 8 hours a week.

It’s funny about having dreams, goals! When they’re laudable people tend to be enthusiastic, say how wonderful it is, etc. You enter into new endeavors full of energy, thinking that you can accomplish them.

Life is full of surprises… first, when you have a dream you’re really on your own no matter what. This should be obvious, because it’s your dream. However… It’s so easy to think and feel that others will jump on board, because of the comments that you hear. And because it’s your dream! Why wouldn’t everyone want to jump on board? It’s a good cause.

Second… people do jump on board… just sometimes not the people you ever really imagined or in ways that you would have thought. But it’s still your dream!

One of the things I mention in my Mission Statement is that I want to work in the area of motivation… so I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject lately.

One of the bottom lines about motivation is that it’s about responsibility. This is my dream… I am responsible. An inevitable result of motivation is responsibility. Once you start, and especially if you involve others and other’s lives, you’re responsible for finishing.

When I started all of this I had no idea how it would unfold. In the middle of this I have no idea where it will lead. The amazing thing is that with every hurdle that we’ve encountered we’ve survived.

(55th Entry) When is a disability a good thing?

2008-04-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

It’s funny… sometimes I listen to what I say on these short video clips and they make me laugh. Sometimes they come across differently than I’m thinking at the time I’m doing them. After all they’re done extemporaneously.

For instance… when I’m talking in this clip about “When is a disability a good thing?” In the beginning of the clip, I’m really making fun of what we can get away with. The title is ironic. Because I can get by and have gotten by with things my entire life I probably haven’t been as independent or “accomplished” as much as maybe I could have. I haven’t had to be as responsible for my life as I might otherwise have been. Many of us want to get by with things instead of having to take responsibility. All you have to do is walk around any bookstore and see the number of books written about motivation, attitude, etc. The title is ironic because it implies that getting by or out of “things’ is a good thing. Sometimes it is… Sometimes it’s not…

A disability is neither a “good” nor a “bad” thing… It’s what we bring to it, give back to it that gives it meaning. (5th Entry)

My challenge… Basically it’s the definition of disability that I use…. It’s going beyond… what keeps us from doing or trying or felling good about ourselves. It’s going beyond our basic needs…to begin to go after those higher needs that give life meaning… that give ourselves and our own lives meaning.

It’s so easy to look back and say to ourselves… “Why didn’t I do things differently?” Then again… There’s an option to do things differently today. It’s up to each of us to decide.

(54th Entry) Tying my shoe!

2008-04-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I get in front of the video camera and just play. I’m trying to get used to being on camera and work on speaking extemporaneously. Plus we’re still trying to learn how to operate the camera. So when I do it… It’s not a scripted. In fact I really have no idea what I’m going to say at all. When I did the video… “What is a Disability?” (Between entries 51 and 52) I did use my definition of disability which is included in the Mission Statement and I had written it down so that I wouldn’t forget it in case I wanted to use it.

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One of the things I left out of this video was… almost always after the teacher introduced me they would walk to the back of the classroom to observe. After writing my name on the board and turning around introducing myself as, “Hi! My names Charlie and I was born this way. Do you have any questions?”… It became obvious that there were two types of teachers… The first and most common would react with a look of fright on their face. These were the control freaks. The other type would lean back against the wall and smile. This reaction was much less common however.

In the classrooms where the teacher leaned back and smiled, the kids almost immediately began raising their hands with questions. In the classrooms where the teacher reacted with a look of fear or worry of losing control, the kids would be less likely to ask questions in the beginning. I would have to coax them by telling a little more about myself and then asking them tell if they new anyone with a disability. Then they would begin to open up.

This to me is a great metaphor for the issue of disability. Anyone who works in Corporate America has undoubtedly been through some type of sensitivity, harassment or diversity training class. We’re basically taught not to ask questions and thus not be able to truly understand those around us. It’s basically the “Don’t ask. Don’t tell” scenario.

I remember in my last corporate position, a manager from the Malaysian plant met me in person for the first time. He was a good person who I enjoyed working. After talking for quit some time, he did something quite extraordinary for this company. He just looked at me and said something to the effect… Why didn’t someone just tell us about you so that we would have a better understanding of…?

The teachers who smiled as I introduced myself created an environment in their classrooms that fostered creativity, an environment that created inclusion rather than exclusion. When you’re not allowed to talk about, discuss issues… How can you be a part of…

The issue of disability is a metaphor for life. It’s just one of the reasons I say that everyone has a disability and yet it is more!

It’s been to long…

2008-04-22T05:07:00.001-07:00

I know it’s been a while since my last entry. I hope to get back on track in the next 48 hours. Life has been hectic, but that’s no excuse. Many of the events keeping me busy are a direct result of the Mission Statement…

Things are moving along quickly.

So soon… more entries, a couple more video clips, etc.

(53rd Entry) Twenty years ago I wrote…

2008-04-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

“Because of modern medicine and advances in technologies disabled individuals are “coming-out” for the first time in history.”

I wrote this in the late 80’s. The push for disability rights began to gain momentum in the early 1970’s with the first major piece of legislation called the Rehabilitation Act of 1973. Part of this was probably a result of the Vietnam War and the number of Disabled Veterans returning during this time period. Disability rights took much of its early forms from the civil rights movement. Legislation focused on education, mainstreaming, accommodations, independent living, etc. The Americans with disabilities Act signed in 1990 was undoubtedly the most ambitious piece of legislation in terms of the issue of disability. All of these laws have helped disabled individuals by bringing attention to the issue of disability, opening doors and opportunities that might not have been otherwise available.

While legislation can open doors by removing barriers, providing education and independent living, etc. It doesn’t necessarily change people’s attitudes… disabled or non-disabled. It can be the beginning for disabled individuals to live a more fulfilling life. It is a first step.

Again, using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs… It seems to me that legislation is most effective for those lower needs… the “biological and physical needs”, “safety needs” and even “belongingness and love needs”. What about the higher needs… Esteem Needs and Self Actualization? You can’t legislate these needs either for disabled individuals or non-disabled individuals.

Ironically, shortly after the Americans with Disability Act was passed companies actually hired less disabled individuals. This can be interpreted in many different ways…

Disabled individuals are “coming-out” in greater numbers. What does this mean? Disabled individuals are a minority group in every sense of the term, but what does that mean and how are we different from other minority groups? First, anyone can “join this group” at any time via accident, injury, illness… (I just read something close to this, so I wanted to mention this and not be accused of plagiarizing.) It crosses all ethnic, cultural, economic, etc. groups. It can happen at any time.

Second, in many ways we’re a “new” group of individuals. What I mean by this is that many of us that are considered disabled would have died prior to “modern” medicine, technology. I also wrote twenty years ago… that disabled individuals are coming out and we have no conscious path to follow. There’s not a long history of individuals for us to pattern our lives after… role models. After all, FDR hid his disability from the American people.

It seems to me as we “mature” as a group, a minority… we’re responsible for taking ourselves to those higher needs… Self Esteem and Self Actualization! If we’ve learned anything from the civil rights movement… no one is going to do it for you. Doors might open, but how you respond to that door opening is totally dependent on you. Understanding how the issue of disability affects us as well as those around us I believe is the key to our future.

Over time I hope to explain this belief in more and more detail!

(52nd Entry) What is a disability? In words…

2008-04-08T05:13:00.000-07:00

Once while sitting in an all night coffee shop in East Texas during my college years… a man handed me a note. It was written on a paper napkin and simply said, “Personally I consider myself as a strong adaptable human being. However when I look at you I am humbled.” I don’t have the napkin with me so this might not be completely accurate, but the idea is there…

It seems to me… All of us think of ourselves, perceive ourselves, and limit ourselves by our own beliefs about ourselves and the beliefs of those around us. I don’t want to minimize anyone that has a physical, mental, emotional or any other type of disability, but I want to challenge all of us think beyond our own current beliefs about ourselves, our own perceived reality.

Why is someone humbled by the sight of me? I actually don’t think it was the sight of me that he was speaking of… The town was small. I’m sure he had seen me many times before. It was that I was “out there, doing things” that made him think about himself. I think he might have been saying to himself… I have all of my body “strong adaptable” and this guy… well?

I think back to my realization on the subway in New York City (described earlier in a blog entry) and my entry about “all we know is our own reality” and realize how easy it is to limit ourselves. We think of ourselves as “who we are” in our minds, our perception of ourselves. After all… we are who we are. Then all of a sudden… we’re confronted by someone or an event, maybe something that was done or said or by someone’s appearance. We’re taken out of our own reality, our own comfort zone and must reflect back upon ourselves… asking ourselves… what if? What if I were that person? What would I be like? What would I or could I…?

People bring out emotions in others. A compelling story of someone’s accomplishment or a person who has overcome adversity always inspires, brings out in people certain emotions, energy. I used this line several times since beginning this blog… “When we forget who we are, we forget how to act.” Or possibly… When we forget who we are, we forget how to feel… as well.

This applies to both disabled individuals and non-disabled individuals. In talking about the subject of disability one difficulty is that I say that everyone has a disability, yet I just categorized people into disabled and non-disabled. Maybe it would be better to say that everyone has a “wound”… and then there are those who are disabled in terms of the world… still a label. It’s this “wound” that causes all of us to empathize, to have sympathy and to have compassion.

I’ve talked before about Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. Once we begin to take care of those basic needs… food, clothing, security… What’s next? Those higher needs… belongingness/love… self esteem… and ultimately self actualization.

What does it mean to be disabled… to have a disability? As Maslow said… you have to have the basic needs, those needs at the base of the pyramid met before moving up to the higher needs. I’ve always felt that there were many good people and many good organizations working with, helping with the basic needs, the physical needs.

My goal, my focus is to ask the question… What happens after I meet these basic needs? How do I go into the world, live my life and be successful? My belief is that in order to be successful in the world as a disabled individual, it’s a combination of understanding ourselves, our needs… as well as the effects that we have on those around us. It’s about learning to be an individual, independent of others… yet being able to accept any help that we might need and any feelings that we bring out in others.

What is a disability?

2008-04-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't written in a while I'm putting out a short video clip. I'm still learning, but having fun with it!

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(51st Entry) Two weeks since the maestro left…

2008-03-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

This was our first full week of work since the maestro left town. Two weeks ago tonight I wondered what we were going to do. Were we going to keep going? Were we going to survive? What was going to happen?

I still have a lot of questions and concerns about how we’re going to continue for the long-term, but… As for the short term… the group did 20% more in production this week than the last week that the maestro was here.

Wow! I don’t even know what to say to this feat!

People amaze me! Entry 48 titled “People… the worst, the best, the hopeful!” says it all.

Mary, Juan and the rest of the gang did an incredible job.

In the midst of our first endeavor into producing our own products, we begin construction next week of our second factory. We will begin to make the family’s famous Santa Rosa Candles at the company’s home office.

On Thursday of next week the State of Guanajato Mexico is coming to visit our grabado plant to see what we’re doing in terms of hiring disabled individuals and possibly helping us use our facility for vocational rehabilitation, long-term employment.

Tonight we meet with one of the local maestros of grabado and next week another. These are on-going meetings. We’re proceeding with caution. We don’t want to make the same mistake over with another maestro. We’re looking for the best fit for our people, goals and dreams.

For now the future looks promising.

(50th Entry) A milestone…

2008-03-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

Wow! My 50th entry… For someone who has had so many in-completed projects in life, this is indeed a milestone. I use the word in-completed because in school when you didn’t quite finish the curriculum you were given an incomplete. So… in-completed seems to me to be a good word to use.

So… in case you didn’t notice… this was going to be entry #49 except when I was going back through my earlier entries I found that I had two entries labeled… 38th Entry… so! Now this becomes number 50….

After all of the turmoil of the last couple of weeks I feel a little lost. We’re still trying to recover from not having a maestro on site, but we have found a couple of possibilities. Hopefully one will work out.

It seems as if I’ve taken a little vacation from the blog. Now it’s time to get back on track. There’s still so much to write about.

It’s easy to stay motivated when things are going good and even possible to stay motivated during times of crisis like the previous couple of weeks… however sometimes when the crisis is over there seems to be a lull for me. This past weekend I took the time to examine all of my projects and try to get organized… again. It was a time for me to re-examine my priorities which seem to change as life changes.

Trying to create jobs for disabled individuals at the two factories still remains a priority at the top of the list. All of the items on the Mission Statement are priorities… some will just take a little longer to realize than others.

So…on Saturday I’ll post my next entry and I’ll make a concerted effort to write four new postings per week at a minimum. I hope to also add video clips within the next two weeks as well. This will definitely add another dimension to the blog…

So hopefully you’ll hang in there and keep reading. Also pass it along to others that you know as well.

As well as being the 50th Entry I also believe that the blog is celebrating the end of its fourth month… 1/3 of a year…

(49th Entry) Life, issues and going on…

2008-03-24T05:49:00.000-07:00

I’ve taken a few days to recharge my batteries. Things have been hectic for the past several weeks with lots of issues, problems, ups and downs. The other night I went to bed at 5:30 in the evening and slept until 6:00 a.m. the next morning. Of course after that I was tired to two days but I’m now ready to begin another week. Last night I reviewed my calendar, computer and note cards to begin to get re-organized for the upcoming week.

I have many projects going on simultaneously. In fact some people that know might tell you I have way too many projects. The problem is… life is short and I have a lot I want to accomplish.

Today I have to focus on… to many things to mention! But I have my list and priorities.

A few days ago Mary, Juan and I took another maestro of grabado to the factory to visit. He seemed very interested and in fact talked of wanting a full time job. Mary and I left Juan and him out there “to play” on the equipment. I’m anxious to hear from Juan his impression. I expressed to Mary that I want Juan to have some time with his current employees to make sure that we’ve actually resolved some problems or are at least heading in the right direction before introducing any other individuals.

I wanted to at least get a short entry out this morning.

More to follow soon…

(48th Entry) People… the worst, the best, the hopeful!

2008-03-20T06:07:00.001-07:00

It’s 5:00 am. I tossed and turned all night; finally deciding to get up. Yesterday, although only Wednesday, was the end of our work week. We’re taking four days off for Easter. It’s been a long stressful week with many ups and downs.

The title of this entry reveals it all. The incentive bonuses were announced on Monday. Tuesday morning as I road to work with Mary, we talked. We shared our frustration, ideas and concerns. We decided to meet with Juan, the grabado manager early that morning. When he walked in I said to him, “The girls haven’t listened at all.” He was surprised that I didn’t even have to ask. The three of us had a really good meeting. I think he realized that Mary and I were behind him no matter how difficult it might get or it had been.

By Tuesday morning I was ready to accept any outcome. I told Juan and Mary that we had several possibilities on how to proceed with the two girls. We could bring them in and confront them or simply do nothing until the end of the first bonus period at which time they find out that they received no bonus. The latter we get some production and possibly peer pressure… those that talked of getting their bonuses would possibly change the girls behavior from that point on. It also happened that one of the girls was out that morning so it gave us insight to their behavior. Without both girls being there the younger was listening and working together with the team.

When the second girl arrived mid-afternoon, both girls behavior went back to their normal routine. Mary just happened to be in the warehouse when some events were unfolding and confronted both girls in front of their peers. At closing time, in the middle of Mary trying to do a shipment, both girls came into the office. Again they had brought their production cards to her and not to their supervisor. To make a long story shorter, she just told them how disappointed she was in them and expressed many of the ideas and issues which we had discussed in the previous days. I watched this conversation from a distance, not saying anything, but being present in case I was needed.

I very seldom see Mary upset, but after this encounter it was obvious that she was. Again we had the opportunity to talk on our way back to town that evening. I expressed to her that I actually was optimistic. As I watched the conversation and was able to watch both sides and see the emotions of all, I had a good feeling. Both girls said that they would return to work the next day… and they did.

Yesterday… Mary, Juan and I met in the morning. Juan expressed what we had come to find out. When the one girl was alone, she listened, worked hard and once the other returned… old behaviors again took place. However… he said that this day, Wednesday, all had been listening… although at times reluctant… but were listening and working. The three of us decided that if nothing bad had taken place by 2:30, Mary and I would talk to both girls one at a time and begin to give them some positive feedback.

Around 3:00 we called the younger of the two girls into my office. We basically gave her the opportunity to speak first. She began by saying that she wanted to apologize to us, that she had been a bad employee and had done many things wrong. Along the way she expressed that the maestro had told the two of them that they ought to ask for more money and that once he left we wouldn’t be able to stay in business without the two of them or him. I’ll stop at that although much more was revealed… it just doesn’t matter.

I was visibly upset during this encounter and I believe Mary was too. I felt like I had been raped by the maestro, a man that I had invited into my house, a man that I thought was honorable. Hindsight as they say… Well in hindsight… here’s a man who is good at grabado, but had no work when found him. All of the other old men in Guadalajara at his age and level of expertise have 6, 8 or 10 individuals working for them. El maestro es el Diablo as far as I’m concerned and I’ll leave it at that.

Mary and I had good talks with both girls although the first (and the reason she was the first…) was I think what she said was much more heartfelt and authentic. The first girl left our meeting and without any guidance went immediately to Juan, her supervisor and apologized to him as well.

First, I am very proud of Mary… for how she walked her way through these events. We talked… we shared our experiences, frustrations and desires, but when the moment presented itself she seized the opportunity. I told her the Latin phrase carpe diem when she was apologizing to me Tuesday evening for not being able to keep me informed of what was going on.

Second, I’m sad! I always tell Mary that her job is to make employees better employees and thus better individuals. But I also tell her that her job is to keep our employees safe. While I think we’re succeeding at the former, we failed with the later. We put two young girls who had never worked before into an environment that was absolutely unacceptable, unhealthy and un-safe. I have not even begun to mention the Hell that we’ve put Juan through. Once we made Juan supervisor, Gabrielle not only ignored Juan, but ignored his wife as well. He refused to teach them both from that point on.

I’ve seen the best in people this week. I’ve seen hope that restores my faith in people. And… I’ve seen the worst… el diablo!

A short blog entry can not begin to express my feelings and emotions… As I told Mary and Juan yesterday… this isn’t over. We’re probably just beginning the uphill struggle with the two girls. You can’t take 5 months of negative, destructive programming and expect it to disappear overnight. BUT… We’ve taken steps to correct our mistakes and as we admitted to and apologized to the two girls… we told them that they two have to take responsibility for theirs. That’s all any of us can do…

(47th Entry) the beginning of a new week…

2008-03-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

Where to start… Actually we worked Saturday so that our employees could have Maundy Thursday as well as Good Friday off… or a four day weekend which ever you prefer to call it. Mary, my office manager, and I have had a difficult couple of weeks with a few of our employees and our grabado (glass carving) consultant, so we were hoping that this week might get better…

The problem and then the solution… one can only hope!

The two girls that know how to do the grabado the best and have been doing it for several months now continue to be a problem for Mary and their supervisor Juan (last paragraph of entry #43). They’re 16 and 18 and were heavily influenced by Gabrielle, the maestro of grabado, who just left. They’re from the campo, country-side, outside of San Miguel. They feel that anyone who is not better than them at grabado can not be their supervisor. Is this something that they actual feel or something that Gabrielle told them. This is one question. Or is it something else? It’s so difficult to know.

The easy way out might be to just fire them for insubordination. Of course then we lose what little production capacity we have until we find another maestro. One option is to outsource to Gabrielle now that he’s back in his home for a short time. Mary hates this idea because it rewards someone who didn’t fulfill there promise to us and showed us no respect.

My concern is… keeping the business going!

Today we announced that we were implementing a performance/incentive bonus. The main focus of the bonus, and the one item that could determine whether someone gets their bonus or not was respect… respecting their supervisor and respecting their fellow employees. As we told the employees about this new bonus we could see the expression on both of the girls faces. It was obvious to us that they knew why we were doing this. We were hoping this would make the difference and change the behavior, but…

At the end of the day they brought their production cards to Mary which should have gone to Juan. This gives me the impression that they didn’t “get it”! Or simply refuse!

I’ve been extremely frustrated since leaving work. I’m disappointed. As I’ve told Mary, part of the problem was our fault. We didn’t put the girls in an environment to be successful and to be taught good behaviors since this is their first job. I feel we need to do our part to rectify the situation, but at the same time it was apparent in the meeting yesterday that they know right from wrong. Ultimately they must decide what they are going to do.

I feel for Juan. After being made supervisor Gabrielle ignored him. He didn’t continue teaching him and even worse he took it out on Juan’s wife as well. He ignored her and didn’t work with her after that point.

We have a new employee who started last week named Juan Miguel… many, many people with the name Juan in Mexico. On his first day, Gabrielle said that it was as if he had been here three weeks. He has lots of potential. He came to us through a government organization that helps disabled individuals. He lost his last job because his manager didn’t like the fact that he was disabled… yes this can and does happen. He’s personable, educated and has great insight into people and problems. I’m excited about having him as an employee. His goal is to be able to do a whole glass by next Monday.

The bonus was to be the solution, but… if this doesn’t work then I’ll try another solution today. One interesting aspect of motivation… you can’t force people to do things against their will. We’ll either find something that works or… they’ll be gone!

Mary has wanted to let the two girls go for quite some time. Between Gabrielle and the two girls she has had an extremely difficult couple of months. She understands my concern for the business and supports me, but… At the same time she realizes the damage that these individuals have had on our existing employees. I thought I learned a long time ago in business… you can’t let anyone keep you hostage, but… It’s difficult and different when others are relying on you.

On Saturday we asked Juan Miguel if he thought any of the disrespect to Juan was due to Juan’s disability… He doesn’t know. None of us know. We do know that Gabrielle made the statement before leaving that “they”, disabled individuals, couldn’t produce as fast… this comment was made when I was talking about hiring more people. The interesting fact is that the maestro that we met in town, another person named Juan, sits down all day as he does his grabado work. Gabrielle made all of the machines and taught all of the people standing up. He said sitting down is not as efficient which would indicate that someone in a wheelchair, etc wouldn’t be as well.

In the last couple of weeks as Mary and I have been going through these growing pains we’ve found new resources and new hope. I’m just hoping whatever happens next; something good comes along to keep this dream going.

Comment on Entry 45

2008-03-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

It was written last night after an intense week. It states fairly honestly my feelings and concerns. I talk about wanting to do motivational speeches, etc. in my Mission Statement and have broached the subject on occasion in blog entries.

This time in my life is going to give me the opportunity to share:

What keeps me going!
What gives me hope!
What motivates me!

Side Note:

After talking with Mary and Juan this morning the maestros disrespect was not caused by the issue of disability, but by... I can talk about this at some later date. The two girls on the other hand...

Also, Mary... my office manager said that it was OK to use her name! you'll be hearing a lot more about her in the future...

(46th Entry) The end to a tough week!

2008-03-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

It’s difficult trying to run a business in Mexico when you don’t speak the language, but it was difficult working in Corporate America as well. Anytime you have to deal with other people it’s difficult especially when the communication isn’t based on honesty and trust. Who’s really honest and open and truthful at work? Most of us want to keep our job or keep our employees so we don’t say what’s really on our minds. God forbid we’re honest… there’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Law suits are less prevalent in Mexico except for employees who leave or are fired. Laws in Mexico heavily favor the laborer.

The maestro is leaving tonight. I have mixed emotions. I’m fearful about the business and surviving in what’s already a precarious economic environment. I’m wondering if my two best people at producing grabado (carving on glass) will come to work tomorrow. They were very attached to the maestro. They’re young girls ages… 16 and 18. He encouraged, played along with their bad, immature behavior. Yet without the two of them it’ll be difficult to produce tomorrow. On the other hand… they have no respect for me, my office manager, and their supervisor.

Business is difficult for most of us! I’m not talking about sales and profits. I’m talking about really doing right by your employees. It’s a balancing act of wanting to survive, do well and do the right thing. It’s a constant lesson of learning from your mistakes and your successes, but most of all learning to read between the lines. I said in a previously entry, “I might be a little cynical and a bit jaded, but I expect that Corporate America utilizes only a fraction of their employee’s abilities, energy and assets.”

Reading between the lines… I have two disabled individuals working for us in our new factory. Have I done “right” by them? Have I done the right thing for myself or for my office manager? I want to have a company and I want to be able to pay my employees, but have I sacrificed my integrity or degraded my employees in pursuit of a dream. Or does the end justify the means as Nietzsche put it?

Business is difficult for most of us… If you have a conscious! If you care about people! If you care about yourself!

Read entry 43… The maestro said he was leaving because we put an employee in as a supervisor and he didn’t like being watched. As Juan, our grabado supervisor, got out of the car tonight I don’t think he even said goodbye to Gabrielle, the maestro. Gabrielle has shown him no respect. Question: Is it because Juan was the newest of the people learning grabado and Gabrielle felt that someone who didn’t know this process inside out couldn’t be a supervisor? We explained to him the difference between a teacher, a maestro and a supervisor, but that didn’t seem to sink in or convince him. Or was the lack of respect due to the fact that Juan is disabled?

The nature of discrimination is one of covertness (Wow! This might actually be a real word!) Covertness… Is it real? Isn’t that the question that we’re so often asked in these cases? How do you know? Invalidos!

This afternoon I went out with my office manager right before closing and in front of all of the employees thanked Gabrielle for all that he had done for us. As I was speaking one of these young girls evidently was laughing. I didn’t realize it at the time, but asked Mary, my office manager, what she said to this girl before translating. Mary just asked her why she was laughing. My comment to Mary was, “They always laugh when I talk.” Mary responded, “I hate it!”

What does this say about me? What does it say about how I feel about the two other disabled individuals? What does it say to the non-disabled individuals about how I feel about myself and others who are disabled? On the other hand… Is it real? Maybe we can’t quantify attitudes about disabilities, but general disrespect shouldn’t be a problem.

Now the maestro is gone and the girls might show up for work tomorrow. We’ve found another person who has been doing grabado for 20 something years and might have an interest in helping us out. My dream was to have 20 individuals doing this by the end of the year with 14 to 16 disabled. Now? I’m just hoping to survive…

More, much more to come!

(45th Entry) What to call this one?

2008-03-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

It might be better not to write a blog entry when you’re somewhat emotional… But what the Hell! The last couple of days have been quite traumatic for me… actually this whole week. It started Monday morning after what I now realize was a stressful weekend. I often tend to be intuitive and tend to sense things before they become apparent or they’re revealed.

Monday morning I came to the office agitated. We’re beginning to build a factory to make candles and on the previous Friday I had met with the contractor so that I could have a quote by Monday morning. The candle maestro arrived. It quickly became apparent that what we thought was needed in terms of a building was in reality quit different.

Luckily the contractor was able to meet us. We all sat down together and were very specific about what was needed. Our office is out in the country where it can be windy and dusty so that the building needs to be insulated to some degree from the dust and dirt. One of the reasons I was so agitated was that I had planned to be back in town by 9:00a.m. to meet someone… obviously this wasn’t going to happen.

My office manager asked me what was wrong today. I don’t think she had seen me this way in quite some time. In the beginning working with her in Mexico this was quite common. I’m glad we all had this opportunity to meet however, and that we were able to straighten out any misunderstandings before we began construction. Of course that conversation doubled the cost of construction… that was also a little stressful.

Switching from candles to glass carving… We’re opening two different factories in less than six months.

The Maestro: (previous blog) Well… he is around 60 years old. He is a maestro of grabado… carving on glass done with grinding stones. He’s been here for approximately five months, lived in my apartment and has had his wife to visit. She returned last Friday night because he hasn’t feeling well. He’s from another city in Mexico which means he commutes home every other weekend. I’ve given him everything that he has asked for which ironically he confirmed yesterday. I never tried to negotiate with him, but was grateful that we had found what we thought was an honorable man who had an interest in what we were trying to accomplish.

From the time his wife arrived last Friday evening, I had this feeling that things weren’t going well. They both acted differently than they had before when she was in town. Wednesday morning I woke up and wrote an email canceling my trip this weekend which was planned. I really wanted to go, be with friends, see great folk art, etc. Maybe next year? I had this feeling that I needed to stay. As I said earlier… sometimes I have these intuitive interventions and this one was strong enough to make me listen.

We’ve been having problems with the maestro for some time. As the office manager and company accountant puts it… “He’s difficult!” They also say that the more I give him the more he wants and expects. He’s a contract worker, but thought he ought to get paid for holidays and days taken for doctor’s appointments. He remembers if I don’t do the things he wants, but quickly forgets when he leaves early and promises to work on Saturday’s to make up hours.

Yesterday when he was asked if he was working this Saturday, he tells the office manager that he’s leaving on Friday and will not be returning. Somehow I had felt all of this without really knowing what or why or how come. My home is my sanctuary and when it’s tainted my life becomes less peaceful. I now understand why I felt agitated on Monday morning.

I didn’t even get to my title… so more to come.

P.S. These two factories are mentioned in my Mission Statement (right hand column), they’re part of my “dream” plus I have employees that count on my family. This was a big blow… but life and business goes on! How to persevere is the question!

(44th Entry) The workplace…

2008-03-12T06:10:00.000-07:00

Workplaces are different than everyday life regardless of what country you’re in. Working in Mexico is definitely different than working in the U. S. My family was very lucky when moving their business to Mexico. The original employees hired have done a tremendous job. Although they were mostly young, they were very mature and had a great work ethic. As we’ve begun to open our factories and hire additional employees we’ve experienced many new challenges.

Production/factory work is different than anything that we’ve done before. The company had always wholesaled products made in Mexico and distributed them to retailers throughout the U. S. The basic function of our original employees in the warehouse was to do quality control and pack orders. There’s considerable flexibility in this work. All of the employees know their jobs, have the ability to organize their work and take breaks as they need them.

Factory production is different. It has to be much more organized, discipline and monitored. In addition, there’s a very long learning curve to doing the grabado so that there’s not an immediate economic benefit to the company. We hired a maestro from another city to teach. He’s an older man who we thought was very excited about teaching younger people the craft and also our desire to hire disabled individuals. More about this later...

Currently we have five individuals learning to do grabado, carving on glass. We’ve lost three employees along the way. Two employees left due to either running away with their boyfriend or getting married. The third employee that left was the second disabled individual hired. He basically left due to sexually harassing one of the young women. He resigned on his own when confronted.

For two years the company had been operating with young people working side by side and we had never experienced any problems of this nature… but… this is life and reality in today’s world… or just something that we recognize today and take seriously.

Previous to this we had talked to the maestro about letting us know if the employees were working hard or if there were any problems. Unfortunately he didn’t let us know about this situation. My regret is that we didn’t know about this earlier and might have been able to prevent this outcome. In order to not have this happen again and have a more organized production environment, we decided to have a supervisor in this area.

Three and a half months ago we hired our first disabled individual. Juan is a great individual with great presence. He’s in his late 30’s, married and has four kids. Juan was born with his disability and is basically paralyzed from the waste down. He stands less than 5’ tall and uses what I call polio crutches to get around. We decided to promote him to supervisor.

More to come…

(43rd Entry) Invalidos

2008-03-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

Invalidos… Invalid… A old word used often in Mexico to describe a person with a disability. Another word that is being used more often today instead is incapacitades… or incapacities. A word that is probably more politically correct. In the U.S. during my lifetime the word for disabled has changed quit a few times… crippled, handicapped, disabled, and then… all of the “challenges”… physically challenged, mentally challenged, technically challenged… OK… I have to have a little fun with this.

A label is a label is a label… Right! We change words to make people feel better about them selves and maybe along with the change in words comes a little change in attitude… if we’re lucky! BUT… a description, a label, a differentiation still denotes a difference.

Mexico is a wonderful, caring, compassionate country in many ways. My memories of coming to Mexico when I was young still resonate within. For me Mexico was a place I could come as a little kid in the mid to late 60’s and not feel as “different”. In Mexico it seemed that I could just be and not be reminded that I was different. I don’t think I consciously understood this at the time… I was only 6 to 12 years old.

On those visits I don’t remember being stared at or comments being made continually or being the object of attention in a negative way. I always loved the feeling that I had when I visited Mexico. The people always treated me well. It’s the same feelings that I have about New York. Others might not see it or feel it, but I do… and that’s really all that matters. As far as Mexico goes, I think the rest of my family would concur that there was something special… after all the whole family lives in Mexico today.

During the 60’s the U.S. was much different than today. As I’ve said on several different occasions the hospital that I went to for physical therapy didn’t even have outpatient care in those days and you didn’t see people with disabilities out in public.

Some times I write things in my blog that I don’t necessarily know if they’re true or not, but I always say that it’s a memory or a feeling that I have or remember. Here’s another one… My memory… My Dad and I are in a hardware store when a lady walks up to my Dad and says, “You and your wife must have been horrible people for God to have punished you with a child like that.” This memory would be from the mid to late 60’s.

Mexico was different. There was compassion, a spirit that the people had. Mexico was a very poor country is those days. Maybe because of the poverty people were used to seeing all types of people with all types of conditions. Mexico has changed over the years. We truly live in a global world… via the internet, MTV, etc. But that basic spirit that I felt when I was young still exists to a large degree to this day.

But the workplace might be different… to be continued!

(42nd Entry) On a different note…

2008-03-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

I’m going to continue on with my quest to talk about what gives me meaning… I want to talk about what got me to where I am today, but also talk about what’s current in my life.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m helping my parent’s business out in Mexico. Back in October we opened a factory that does grabado. Grabado is carving on glass which can be done in different patterns. In Mexico City it’s known as Pepita, an art form influenced by the French. As of Monday I will have five employees and the maestro, the teacher. Two of the five employees are disabled. (I talk about my goals in the Mission Statement.)

We’re limited at the current time on the types of disabilities that we can hire due to transportation issues. There is no transportation in the town of San Miguel de Allende for individuals in wheel chairs. Plus, our office/factory is located 10 miles out in the country which makes it an even greater issue.

We have six stations at the current time for production. I hope to add to this shortly. The new machines will be made so that they can be used for individuals in wheel chairs or for those that stand. My goal is to have 20 individuals by the end of the year producing and at least 14 disabled individuals.

This sounds wonderful… Unfortunately, I thought it would be much easier than the reality is turning out to be. Things often turn out more complicated than I think. I think because it’s my dream and something that might be able to help others that it will be easy. It should be easy!

Where to go from here…

Last summer one of our business partners casually said… “We’re having production problems and you (me) have this desire to do something with the issue of disability, so let’s just open our own factory and hire disabled individuals.” Sounds great! Doesn’t it? It sounded good to me.

We found a maestro. We told him about our goals and he sounded very interested and we felt that he bought into the idea of hiring disabled individuals. In October we opened the doors and began producing. The first thing that became apparent is that the learning curve for employees was going to be much greater than we were led to believe. OK… I adjusted to this and realized that the investment would be greater than I expected. This was not insurmountable, so we continued.

More to follow:

To long since..

2008-03-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

It's been over a week since my last entry. It seems much longer. As usual things in my life change rapidly and therefore so does my direction in writing.

Be Patient... Please! There's just so much to express!

Please accept...

2008-03-06T03:57:00.000-08:00

my apology... My parent's are in town. I've been busy with them and am a little behind on entries. I will post again on Saturday, March 8th.

And then... I should be back to a normal schedule.

(41st Entry) On death and dying…

2008-03-01T04:24:00.000-08:00

The first two projects during my sophomore year of high school were “On Death and Dying” (Fall 1976) and “Parenting the Disabled” (Spring 1977)

In the Fall of 1976, I met a Chaplain from one of the Dallas hospitals. I was involved with the Episcopal Church Youth Group. He had spoken to us at one of our Sunday night meetings. As it turns out, he was one of the two Chaplains that introduced Elizabeth Kubler-Ross to her first terminally ill patients. He was mentioned in her book… ON DEATH AND DYING. When I was asked to come up with my first topic for a project that year this is the topic that came to me.

Since I had been introduced to the Kubler-Ross books and had extended beyond her work I had some background already. I called the Chaplain, reminded him who I was and one Saturday he came to my house for a three hour interview. I was fascinated with the subject and his experience, but having the opportunity to talk to him uninterrupted for several hours was incredible.

It’s funny, but I remember many of the details from that day even though it took place over 30 years ago. I was extremely fortunate to have had this opportunity.

Kubler-Ross is renowned for her pioneering work with terminally ill individuals. Most noticeably her Five Stages of Grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

As I said in the last blog entry, the four projects that I did during my sophomore and junior years in High School were an uncanny attempt to resolve many of the issues that I was attempting to work through in my personal life and that were expressed in ONCE THERE WAS A PEROSN (previous blog).

As I am sitting here writing a couple of things occur to me. It was also this same time period when I wrote the answer to… Question: “If you were to die today what would you want your epitaph to read”… Answer “I do what I can and that which I can not do; I do anyway!” (Also mentioned in Entry 9) Plus it was the beginning of this school year that I received my driver’s license (Entry 26).

The reason why writing, contemplating, investigating, etc. is so important is that it gives us insights into our selves that we might never otherwise perceive. There’s so much within all of us. We all experience so much and we’re constantly bombarded with stimuli from all directions that it’s virtually impossible for any of us to fully realize all that is taking place within ourselves and our lives.

My famous epitaph (OK… famous to me!) is nothing more than a declaration of denial.

To be continued….

(40th Entry) Once There Was a Person…

2008-02-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

I’ve mentioned in the blog several times so far that I was lost in certain areas and ages during my life. What does “lost” mean? For me it says that I was searching, looking for meaning and understanding, for a purpose in my life. I didn’t understand who I was, why I was who I was, etc. It’s difficult to write a summation, but a writing I did in the spring of 1977 illustrates it quite well. I was a sophomore in high school. It was during this year I did the first two projects mentioned in the last blog.

ONCE THERE WAS A PERSON

Once there was a person. He was different than everyone else. Did this matter to him? You have to decide this for yourself.

That person is myself… A human unlike any human! I have a lot I want to give and a lot I want to learn… for I am a high achiever. Some people would disagree with this because I don’t do my school work… like right now. I sit and wonder sometimes if I’m smart. I think I am at times and then again I think I’m dumb at the same time. I just don’t know. (My father once told me to do a project on getting to know myself. This sounds like a good idea.)

Everything I read I want to learn more about, but then I lose interest, because there’s not enough time to accomplish all of the goals I set for myself. (Maybe I’ll go to the creek this weekend and be by myself. I could just sit and write.)

I know I have something to give! I know! I am a perfectionist in my own way. I expect people to behave right even though I know I’m not perfect. What can I give and how can I give it? How can I learn and when can I learn it? Maybe I don’t want to learn. I never listen to what my teachers say. I know I have something to give, but what is it? Can you tell me?

What do people think of me? They think I’m wonderful. But why? They think I’m special, because I do things in spite of my disability. I don’t they’re special because they have hands! What’s the difference? Is it really so obvious?

I know I have something to give. Am I already giving it? If so, where and how? Please, won’t somebody tell me! I’m sitting here all worn out, but why? I want to give more, but something won’t let me. Please, oh God, let me give more! I want to learn, but how can I learn? I want to read, but impatient I am. I just want to know it; know it right now. Please, oh God, help me learn!

I would have been sixteen years old when I wrote this. Without realizing it, being conscious of it… the four projects listed previously were an attempt to answer many of struggles in this writing.

It’s strange and wonderful to look back at this piece. In some ways, I'm amazed at what I wrote; yet, it’s the struggle that to some degree still exists within me today. It’s that natural curiosity, that desire to have and learn more that keeps me going… wanting to be more than I was yesterday.

One mode of motivation for me is seeing change. Change motivates me! Not all change, but the type of change within myself that makes me a different person… hopefully a better person. I’m still that person that wrote the piece many years ago, but I’m not… and yet I’m more. The desires are the same, but the frustration, fear, anger, hostility and confusion are what have changed over the years.

“To Dream To Touch” (Entry 2) which inspired the name of the blog was written seven years after this. I look back at both writings and see a tremendous change in attitude and hope in those seven years. “To Dream To Touch” was written 24 years ago… So there’s a lot more to tell of the story.

(39th Entry) In search of a new direction, a deeper level…

2008-02-27T04:25:00.000-08:00

In the last two entries I’ve struggled a bit. I wasn’t clear on my direction, but as so often happens this morning it came to me… an intuition of sorts. The last entry as I thought about it, pointed me towards this new direction.

“Where to, What Next”

I want to begin to talk about what gives me meaning (which I’ve done to a degree), where it came from and how it relates to my goals. In other words, I want to begin to express my philosophy of life and more importantly the issue of disability.

In the high school class that I’ve talked about, Man and His Environment, I did four major projects in two years. These were oral projects on subjects that I had picked and had been approved by the teacher and then presented to the class. To this day they all have meaning in my life and have influenced my interests, curiosities and direction. And then there was college… And then there was Corporate America… And many, many things in between!

Summation of the four basic topics:
• On Death and Dying
• Parenting the Disabled
• How Art (Creativity) enhances Education
• The Reconciliation of Science and Religion (controversial to many)

College
• Psychology… Jungian, Archetypal, Phenomenology and Mythological studies
• Family Systems

All of these areas have influenced me to this day. They are intertwined with my experiences and have definitely influenced me in many ways.

Out of this:

• Show how all of these topics and adventures fit into and influence what I’m trying to do today.
• How they relate to the issue of disability, my life and how they might have meaning for others as well.

I’m going to try to do all of this without being to “quasi-intellectual” or perhaps cerebral might be a better word.

Then…

I want to begin to talk about the different audiences that I’m trying to reach both within and outside the disabled community.

A partial list:
1 Disabled individuals
2 Families involved with the issue of disability
3 Professional and helping community that support disabled individuals
4 Those that are not labeled or perceived as disabled… to heighten awareness of this issue as stated in the Mission Statement
5 Corporations: integrating disabled individuals into the workplace

As so often with this blog, it’s an adventure. This blog is a place for me to get my ideas out, in writing for others to digest and hopefully respond.

Stay tuned! We’ll see where it goes from here.

(38th Entry) Where do dreams come from…

2008-02-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

I’ve been asking myself recently… Why do I want to give back…? (Read the Mission Statement for details… right hand side of blog!) Then again… Why does anyone want to give back? Why do people feel the need to be philanthropic? What motivates us?

I remember when I was young; playing in Oklahoma at my grand parent’s house during summer visits. I had an old check book. I created my own orphanage with plans for buildings and money for paying bills. I remember that the doctor was Dr. Marcus Welby. This was something that I spent a lot of time designing and analyzing… as much as any young child can analyze.

I’ve talked a little about my experiences at Scottish Rite Hospital where I attended therapy from the age of two until four. (Entries 12 and 19) I was supposed to be learning how to live with and use artificial arms…

I remember the kids stuck in this hospital. I remember the wards were old, dark and depressing. I remember kids lined up in rows in the ward. This was the early 60’s. Anyone around during those times remembers the old style hospitals made of rock and other heavy materials. They were built to last, but were very depressing and very impersonal. I was fortunate. I was the first outpatient at Scottish Rites. I walked out at the end of my therapy. I often wonder when I look back at those days playing in Oklahoma if that was the motivation for designing orphanages. I remember thinking that an orphanage ought to be like summer camp with counselors and lots activities.

If we really think about our lives, what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, we can almost always find a reason and an answer for how and why we got to where we are. Our interests, desires and motivation often come from what we might consider inconsequential events until we look back and piece together the puzzle.

The story of designing orphanages is just one piece of the puzzle for why I’m trying to do the things that are outlined in the Mission Statement. There’s a thousand other pieces to the puzzle… many known and more that probably will be discovered along the way.

If you thought subprime was dirty...

2008-02-21T05:30:00.000-08:00

http://s.wsj.net/public/resources/documents/info-launch08.html?project=PAYDAY08
CUT AND PASTE INTO YOUR BROWSER

(37th Entry) The power of asking questions…

2008-02-21T05:01:00.001-08:00

Very seldom do I sit down to the computer with absolutely no idea what I am going to write about. People often wonder what I use for writing. They ask if I use voice recognition or… Actually voice recognition doesn’t work for me. The computer doesn’t understand me. I actually use a computer keyboard. I type 25 to 35 words per minute (I don’t really know.) depending on what I’m writing. I learned how to type on an old Underwood manual typewriter when I was very young. It’s much like the story of learning to play the drums. I just started playing, eventually made sense of the keyboard and over time began typing.

Curiosity is a wonderful thing. Over the years I’ve given many talks to school children. Kids are great. They have a natural curiosity. I knew that the teachers would have told the children all about me before I walked into the classroom. I can only guess at what the teachers might have said. When I would walk into the classroom, the teacher would introduce me. Usually the teacher would then walk to the back of the classroom.

I would simply turn around, write my name on the board in big letters, turn back around to the kids and say, “Hi, my name is Charlie and I was born this way. Do you have any questions?”

Side note: For this illustration I found there were two types of teachers. The first and most common was a reaction of shock on the face of the teacher. The second was a teacher who would smile, relax and lean against the wall. By that single cue I could tell in an instance what the next steps would be.

In the classroom where the teacher was uptight, I would inevitably have to coax the kids into asking questions. I would have to begin a conversation, saying more about myself and eventually ask the kids if they knew anyone with a disability. This would then almost always begin a dialogue.

In the classroom where the teacher was relaxed and smiled, the kids almost always jumped in with questions. These were the really enjoyable talks.

These really are the two choices that we have in life. How we approach life, live our lives.

My point in giving talks in this manner was to emphasize over and over that the only way that we can learn to understand others who are different than ourselves is to ask questions. I literally would repeat this multiple times during my talk.

Why is it that so many of us are afraid to ask questions? How can we begin to understand someone different than ourselves when we have no clue who they are or what they’ve been through? Without asking questions all we can do is assume. And we all know what that means!

Of course if we’re not even able to ask ourselves questions, then asking others is quit problematic. If we’ve asked questions and others have reacted negatively towards us, then this can make us shy away from asking again as well.

Well… I guess I had something to write about after all.

(36th Entry) To live in two worlds…

2008-02-19T05:41:00.000-08:00

I’ve said many times so far the phrase “To be disabled or not to be Disabled. That is the question. It’s a choice.” We hear so often that you can’t live in two worlds, but I think with the issue of disability that’s exactly what we do. I receive emails often now commenting on my blog, asking questions and feeding back to me one’s interpretation of what I said. So often I hear people who think or write that my writing comes across as if I think I’m… Whatever their interpretation may be of what I’ve said. This is the most difficult aspect of writing a blog.

How do you write about where you came from, where you are and where you want to go at the same time?

Ultimately what makes us successful in life is learning how to live in various worlds at the same time. This is the direction I think that my blog is heading. By “various worlds” I mean we all have multiple aspects to our lives. We work, we’re children of, we’re parents of, we’re friends of and… All of us have multiple roles in life.

The issue of disability is just another role. Albeit a major role for those of us who are perceived as being… I think I’ve said this before, but the object is to be a person who happens to have a disability, yet not to be a disabled individual. I might have a disability on the outside and as I’ve said before we all have a disability… visible or not… a wound that causes us pain.

The choice is… I can be perceived as… and yet not be… I can live in two worlds. This is what has taken me so long to figure out in life. I can have a disability on the outside and yet still be who I choose to be on the inside. This is the choice!

I talk a lot about the struggle of having a disability. These are the things that I didn’t understand or was never exposed to or denied somehow in my life. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit that maybe I just didn’t hear them. Maybe I didn’t want to hear them.

I get told often… you’re not disabled! You can do anything. This is the ultimate compliment. Yet the very fact that someone says it… I’m reminded constantly that I’m different… positively and negatively at times.

The reason why I talk so much about the struggle at this point is that it was working through and understanding the struggle that made it possible for me to begin to be that person who happened to have a disability and not just a disabled person “going on with life.”

Some people interpret my writing as if I feel and think that I’m disabled. They want me to know that they don’t consider me disabled. Thanks… and this is wonderful! Others write and talk about the fact they have or feel a bond with me even though they might not have a disability. They relate because they too have gone through a struggle in life. Thanks… and this is wonderful!

How do I perceive myself today… Disabled or not Disabled? I live in two worlds and will always live in two worlds in regards to this aspect of my life. I am both. I have a choice today to decide how I’m going act and/or react to this aspect of my life.

(35th Entry) Tying a tie…

2008-02-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

One of the things that worried me most about going to work in the corporate world was… How am I going to tie a tie every day? Anytime that I had worn a tie previously I had always had someone tie it for me as well as button the button on the front of the caller. So when I got my first corporate job offer and it just happened to be a company that wanted me to wear a coat and tie daily, I had to come up with a way to be able to do this on a daily basis. Side note: This was the only company out of three that expected me to dress up.

Everyone kept telling me… Wear clip on ties! Well there are several problems with this. First, have you ever really looked at the selection… Not good. Second, you still have to button the collar button and jam the clip between the collar and your throat. Can’t do it!

So one day a good friend of mine named Chris and I set aside a whole day to come up with a concept that would work for me. Chris kept thinking that we could tie, slip it over my head, cut the back apart and insert Velcro. This way I could slip the tie over my head. Chris was close… but I came up with an ingenious way…

We tied the tie while on me, and then we loosened it… slipped it over my head. We then glued the knot with Elmer’s glue, so that the knot stayed tight, but allowing for the tie to slide like a noose. I would then put the tie under my collar, buttoning the buttons on the collar, button down collars, and slip the shirt over my head. The second problem was the collar button… that top button that keeps the collar tight. I didn’t button it. I used the strength of the tie to hold the collar.

Results: I could buy any normal tie. Glue it. Wear it! But never dry clean it because of the glue… so what! I could get dressed daily without worry.

This was one of my proudest days in adulthood. Something that seems so innocent, yet so important in my mind… resolved simply. I’ll never forget Chris for his willingness and enthusiasm to help me.

For employers… this is the type of creativity that disabled individuals can bring to the job… an ability to solve problems “outside the box”. Unfortunately what I found in my brief career, while corporations talk of wanting new ideas, they rarely embraced them. Not only did they not embrace them, once they hired you they wanted you to be like everyone else. My first corporate job probably gave me the most latitude in allowing me to use my natural abilities. As I went to work for larger and larger companies the ability to be “me” became less and less. I might be a little cynical and a bit jaded, but I expect that Corporate America utilizes only a fraction of their employee’s abilities, energy and assets.

The Song

2008-02-17T10:54:00.001-08:00

The song mentioned in entry #34 was by Janis Ian... "AT SEVENTEEN"

Thanks David!

(34th Entry) The Valentine’s that never were…

2008-02-14T08:56:00.000-08:00

If anyone remembers this song, please let me know what it is and who sang it… “The Valentine’s That Never Were” and I don’t even know if this was the title or just a line in the song.

One night as a child in a restaurant in Dallas, we went to an Italian restaurant to hear a friend sing. She was actually the daughter of my parent’s friends. Her name was Leslie and she was blind. Leslie sang and played the piano. She sang the song that I mentioned above. I just remember hearing a remark or remarks like… “It just has so much more meaning when she sings it.”

I don’t know why I’m writing this except that I’ve always held this in my memory and well, what is today?

The things we remember from childhood, the things that influence us, affect us… while this can have so many different meanings, positive, negative or even a statement of a person’s emotion whose just being honest at the moment… When we hear things we interpret them where we are in that moment of our own lives. As I’ve said a few times before in this blog… So many of us just want to “go on with life”

I think there’s only two options in life… to go on with life blindly just letting things happen and have the events in our lives dictate that direction or… look at our lives, ask questions, face the bigger questions and help determine the direction that we take in life. If I have to say which option I feel strongly about, then I’ve done a poor job in this blog.

I’ve always remembered this event in my life and because of that I have been able to change my perception and alter the meaning of that event in my life. Today I chose to look at it differently than I did 35+ years ago. Back then I chose to look at it as if there was something wrong with Leslie and thus me as well and because of that people feel sorry for us and we were less than. Today, much like I stated in Entry 32, I look back at Leslie and realize that she could make this song more meaningful in a positive way. Back then I looked at everything in terms of its negative effects. Leslie went out and lived her life regardless of her blindness.

Our attitude determines much of the way that we view the events in our lives. I’m not one of those people who think you can just think positive thoughts and everything is going to be ok. I think you can be positive, but still deal with the issues. I think ultimately you must deal with the issues in order to have a really positive outlook. I’m trying not to use the word “pain”, because it has such a powerful connotation. Kahlil Gibran in his book THE PROPHET says, “Pain is the cracking of the shell that encloses our understanding.” This is the pain that I’m describing. It’s the pain of having to ask questions and understand who we are, what we have done and what has been done to us. It goes back to… Do things happen for a reason? Or, do we give meaning to the things that happen to us? (Entry 5)

I look back now and realize… All we know is our own reality (Entry 3). I can’t imagine being blind! If I heard Leslie sing that song today I would have a completely different reaction. I am not that same little boy, with those same thoughts and feelings. Even as I think back, I realize that for me Leslie gives this song more meaning today, because of my own life experiences and the bond that we share.

(33rd Entry) I wonder…

2008-02-12T16:07:00.000-08:00

In Entry 31 I mentioned that I was reading a book called BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell. It’s been an enlightening read. The subtitle is The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. It’s a book about how we make decisions. I also just mentioned in a brief entry prior to this that ABC News says that 44% of disabled individuals in the U.S. are unemployed.

While reading BLINK, I read about how prior to 50 years ago or so auditions for symphonies were held where the judges, maestros could see the person auditioning. Women made up less than 5% of members of symphonies. It was thought that women just couldn’t play as well as men for many reasons. When auditions began being done where the person auditioning was behind screens many more women were chosen… now approximately 50%. The person’s bias or pre-conceived notions were eliminated and only the sound of the music counted.

I wonder if job interviews were conducted in much the same manner if the number of disabled individuals hired would improve?

Watch This

2008-02-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4275513

An ABC NEWS story on Walgreens hiring of disabled individuals. An interesting story...

Cut and Paste the link above into your browser to watch.

ABC News cites that 44% of Americans with disabilities are unemployed!

(32nd Entry) Writing, answering

2008-02-11T15:33:00.001-08:00

I used to worry that I might run out of things to write about. The great thing about doing the blog so far has been finding out that there’s so much to be written about. Even when I write about a subject it always possible to go deeper, exploring new angles, going more into depth, looking at it from new angles. What a relief!

My good friend David has written a couple of emails to me since my beginning the blog. He always asks good questions. In his first email he asked, “Your introspective subway story is really interesting. How would your reaction today be different from your reaction then?” (Entry 7 and 8) In his second email he comments that he’s surprised that I haven’t written about the ADA and the effects or lack of effect it has had for disabled individuals.

The nice thing about comments and emails are that I have or want to respond to them. The problem is that they sometimes ask questions that I don’t have answers to.

Having just returned from New York, I keep asking myself how the subway incident might be different today. I must admit I don’t necessarily have an answer. I’m struggling as I write to express what those differences might be.

Back then it seems to me that what I felt was a realization that I had something in common with the disabled individuals panhandling on the subway. I had always considered myself above or different than “those people”. I think that’s why I felt that people would judge me if I gave them money or not. When I say that it was all about me, it means that it could only be about me because everyone else was different or I was different.

Maybe this might make sense and help explain what I was going through. When I was in High School in Man and His Environment which I’ve written about, we went on a field trip one day. We visited an elementary school for all types of disabled kids. I was in the hallway when this young kid with severe learning disabilities spotted me. He came running down the hall wanting to see me. Many of my peers were around. I panicked. I didn’t want the other kids, my peers, to think that I was disabled or that there was something wrong with me, so I avoided the child. I ran off and hid somewhere. I’ve always felt bad about this. Even at that time.

A little more… While in New York I was riding the subway one morning with my backpack on and an extra tote bag. Usually someone offers me a seat. On this day no one offered me a seat. I think the question is… Do I expect it? It didn’t really bother me, except that I’m spoiled in New York. I get treated incredibly well. When things happen repeatedly we begin to expect it. I didn’t need a seat. I’m perfectly capable of standing with a backpack and tote bag.

So what’s the difference today as opposed to twenty years ago? One major difference is that today I know that I can survive in this world, take care of myself no matter what happens. Back then I was lost, confused; I didn’t have a job nor had I had one. I didn’t know if I would ever have one. Once you know that you can survive in this world, do the things that you need to do… it just doesn’t mater as much what others think. It’s called confidence, not to be confused with arrogance. It’s confidence without questions or perhaps even without guilt. It is knowing that you’re doing the most that you can do.

When you have a little hope, a little confidence you don’t have to be afraid of those like you. Maybe that’s the difference today. Maybe when you have a little hope and a little confidence it is OK when someone offers you a seat or even if they don’t. Maybe it’s ok to give that disabled individual in the subway money just because they touch you without caring what others think. Maybe it’s ok to be around others like yourself, because they’re the same and yet different than ourselves. What I’ve learned in my life is that the greatest prejudices are those things within myself that I don’t understand, that I deny or that I hate about myself.

(31st Entry) New Beginings; Moving On!!!

2008-02-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

I’m flying home from New York… bitter sweet! While I’m glad to be going home and see my dog; I’m sad to be leaving New York. I used to think that I wanted to live there. However, after this trip I realize that it’s a great place to visit, but the physical demands of living there are just to much. I leave feeling like I’ve just left my best friend… that feeling of loneliness and emptiness that comes when all of a sudden we’re alone. I also leave full of energy, inspiration and creative thoughts.

In 1988 when I first visited New York it was the beginning of a renaissance of sorts for me. Twenty years later I have that same feeling. My life tends to be built on stages. Perhaps its time to move on to the next.

What is the next stage of my life? Maybe the best way to describe what this might be is to look at the past. My life seems to break up into 15 year increments with some slight deviations. The first 15 years of my life were spent growing up like most other kids. Learning how to do things, making friends, being like other kids. The second 15 year period was spent being lost. Just going through the motions, but still accomplishing some notable tasks. Accomplishing things because they were expected, not because I had a reason, a goal or a desire. I went to college, started a non-profit organization; but I lacked direction, conviction and most of all passion. The third 15 year period I went back to school, worked in the corporate world, got out of the corporate world, kind of got lost again for a few years and now am ready to begin the fourth 15 year period.

Although the blog is not that old I’ve written some about each segment of my life. When I left the corporate world five years ago, I was distraught and depressed. It didn’t have to be this way; but sometimes things turn out differently than we expect and sometimes fate plays its hand. So many things played a role in my corporate life which hopefully can be related in my book about my experience in corporate America. Suffice it to say, I just didn’t fit the mold. I had my moments of success and several bosses would probably hire me back in an instance… But it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my gift. It might have been or could have been if circumstances had been different.

I’m reading a book called BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell as I’m on the plane going back home. He mentions several things so far that I’ve known, but is good to see in print. One of them is that the majority of CEO’s in this country are tall. In other words, physical attributes do help some get ahead. Where does that leave anyone with a disability?

He also talks about Implicit Association Tests (IAT’s) which he uses to show the difference between what we think we feel about a group of people and what we might actually associate with people‘s, race, gender, etc. Many years ago I wrote something called… Knowing, Believing and Doing! How often in life are we consistent in these three areas? More often than not I think we’re inconsistent. This is what the IAT points out. I would like to see if there are any dealing with the attitudes of disabilities. He mentions a website to go to, so I think I’ll investigate… www.implicit.harvard.edu I just went to this site and the first test on the list has to do with disability. WOW!!!

So what is the next segment of my life? I think it’s a reconciliation of the three segments so far. Take from my childhood that innocence and feeling of not being that different (1st Segment), the lessoned learned from being lost and the struggle of the issue of being the same and different (2nd Segment) and the quasi-industrialness found by going out into the commercial world (3rd Segment) and to somehow bring these together to accomplish my goals.

To sum it up in a few words… It’s time to accomplish the mission statement listed on the right hand side of the blog!

This sounds so simple… Reality: It takes discipline, stamina and dedication. Three things that don’t come naturally to me or at least come naturally simultaneously.

It’s easy for me in life to sit back, dream and wait for things to happen. This method won’t get the Mission Statement accomplished.

This is my dream… Only I can make it happen! And like the change from each of the segments before in my life I do it only when my back is against the wall, when I’ve bet all the chips on the table and there’s no turning back.

Going out and buying a new computer

2008-02-06T05:59:00.000-08:00

Today or tomorrow I'll be buying a new computer. My old one died! It was five years old, so it's time to get another one.

Sorry for not having new entries! Hopefully that will change soon...

(30th Entry) Drums… continued from Entry 29

2008-01-30T05:37:00.000-08:00

Today I flew to New York and needless to say, if you’ve read the blog you know that I love New York. There’s always a feeling of anticipation, energy and wonderment. New York always makes me think! Think about me, my life, what am I doing? I tend to reflect upon life when I’m in that “New York state of mind.”

Life is interesting… at least mine is! What am I doing with my life? What is the purpose of my life?

As I was on the plane I asked myself, “Why did I teach myself to play the snare drum?” I was young. Was there really a reason? I liked to bang on things. Lots of kids do. It had to be the challenge. An inner challenge, because no one was asking me to learn or saying I couldn’t… at least as far as I remember. It was a challenge. Could I do it? I wanted to know? I wanted to figure out if I could.

I never went on to play more than just the snare drum. I know my snare drum teacher discouraged my parent’s from purchasing a complete set of drums. He felt I couldn’t do it. Of course most people figured I probably couldn’t play the snare drum either.

I knew I could play the snare drum and play it well enough to be competitive for my age. It’s like kids playing sports of any kind… competitive for their age and then one day they’re not.

If I had really wanted to play or had ever figured out a way with confidence that I could play the complete set of drums, I’m sure that I would have and would have had a set of my own. This I’m pretty confident of. I never really figured it out though. Or... maybe I just got bored and didn’t want to go any farther.

It’s much like the reason I went into corporate life. It was to prove something to myself, to know something for myself. Once I had my answer, it lost all of its allure.

There’s an interesting combination of proving to myself, proving to others and finding out if I have a passion for it.

(29th Entry) The beat goes on…

2008-01-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was meeting a friend for dinner. (If I hadn’t mentioned it before I’m in a great town called San Miguel de Allende in Mexico.) So we met in the Jardin, the city’s main plaza around 8:00. I casually asked him what he was hungry for. He said he liked this little Italian restaurant down the street. We walked to the restaurant and when we arrived we were asked if we had reservations. I thought this was kind of odd because the city is very slow. Luckily they had a table against the wall. When we were sitting my friend said, “That was Doc Severinson over there.”

I didn’t realize that this was the restaurant where Doc plays several nights a week. I know he lives here and I even met his wife a few months ago. OK this isn’t really what my blog is about, but it started me thinking. Sometimes I wonder where my next entry will take me and then it suddenly comes to me. In this case it came to me as I listened to the music…

Side note: The music was incredible. Doc and the rest of the band were absolutely inspirational! They played a wide array of music from all parts of the world.

Back to my Blog…

When I was young I used to bang on everything. It was obvious that I wanted to be a drummer. As luck would have it my parents had some friends whose son had a marching snare drum in his closet. My Mom would go over to visit while their son was in school and I was allowed to play in his room. Many times I would get the drum out and beat on it. In the beginning I would just hold a drumstick and make noise, but then I began to watch how the stick bounced. The problem was… how was I going to hold two drum sticks?

I wish I could remember with more accuracy what happened over time. I just remember trying many things and many ways to somehow hold two drumsticks. The problem wasn’t holding two drumsticks it was making them move that seemed to be the issue.

I really wanted to play the drums. Tonight as the music played, my feet were tapping and when no one was looking I was banging on the table. Old habits die hard! It’s just natural with me.

I began to put the two drumsticks against my side, placing my arms over the drumsticks and pressing them against my side. Still nothing happened. I wonder how many times I tried different techniques. One day something happened… I began to use my elbows to move the drum sticks up and down. Little by little I began to make them bounce on the head of the drum. With more practice I made them move evenly, hit evenly. In other words… with rhythm.

I remember that moment when I knew that I could do it. I think I even called my Mom and her friend into the room. I knew! I had figured it out. I had done it. I knew I could do it. (This was somewhere before the age of 8. I wish I could get closer but I don’t remember.

At the end of the 5th grade it was time to sign up for band. Band began in the 6th grade. I remember my parents going with me to an event held at night where parents signed their kids up for band. I won’t go into much detail, mainly because my memory is so fuzzy. I do remember the band director having doubts about me being able to play the drum, but… The next thing I remember is that my parent’s and I went to buy me a drum at a large music store.

Skipping to the 8th grade, because I did play the drums and I was pretty good at it so I made it through two years of band. In the 8th grade I joined the marching band. We lived in Texas and football season is hot. It was grueling, but I did it. Marching band was especially difficult because the drum sat low and moved when you marched, but somehow I survived. In addition, I played competitions and did well in several events.

I ended my drumming career at the end of the 9th grade. In the 10th grade I entered into Man and His Environment, the three hour a day class that I’ve talked about in previous blogs which prevented me from being able to continue.

I’ll talk more in the next blog about the meaning of this period of my life… But yes… I did play the snare drum.

(28th Entry) Thoughts on the last two entries…

2008-01-22T05:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking about the last two entries since writing them. I remember my Mom having a very difficult time trying to reason with me or at least getting me to calm down even a little at the amusement park. She was out of luck that day. I don’t think anyone or anything could have settled me down that day. I was absolutely livid… and probably out of control.

On both days I was extremely upset. What were the differences? One is that the driver’s license was a finite event. I wanted my driver’s license and went there with that specific purpose. Also the fact that it was a legal setting might have something to do with it.

At the amusement park there were many things going on. I was proactive when arriving to the park. I met with the manager on duty. I had an idea of what might happen that day. When I did get removed from rides it was as if I had done the “right thing” and was still suffering consequences.

More importantly, these were rides that I had ridden all of my life. There were no knew rides that I had never ridden. Something was being taken away from me. Not only was something being taken away, but I had done my best to prepare for it.

I was also almost five years older, 21, the day that the amusement park incident took place. Now in most people’s minds that probably translate as… I should have been more mature, but… For me, I was probably more confused and angry at this point in life. I was in the middle of that struggle of being the same and different. I didn’t have any idea what I was going to do with my life and how I was ultimately going to survive on my own.

I recall the attorney from the park the next day basically telling me to sue them if I didn’t like what had happened to me. There was no ADA in 1981 so the legal issue was probably a little more obscure.

Unfortunately even at the time I probably realized that if two people had been injured on a ride equally while sitting next to each and had I been one of them… I probably could have elicited a greater settlement than a “normal” individual. A good attorney could have played “the sympathy card” and probably made out quit well.

Right or wrong this is a fact of life. As much as I want to be the same there will always be some differences. Some positive, some negative!

What is the “right way” to act in these situations? I think ultimately it has to be up to each individual. As for me, I wish that I had been a little more in control at the amusement park. By being out of control, I didn’t accomplish anything. I caused a lot of anguish for my family and for myself.

Did I have a right to be upset? Should I have been upset? Absolutely!

It becomes that old question… How do I fight for what I want and yet maintain my own integrity?

(27th Entry) No fun for me at the amusement park…

2008-01-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

Growing up I always loved to ride the rides at the Texas State Fair or Six Flags Over Texas. My family always went together and rode all of the rides. I never remember having any problems or not being allowed to ride any of the rides other than the normal height requirement for all kids when young.

The first time I ever encountered a question was around the age of 15 when I wanted to ride the old wooded roller coaster at the State Fair of Texas. Someone asked some questions, I said that I always rode the rides and that was that.

In the summer of 1979 I was at Six Flags and I wanted to ride one of the large roller coasters. I was held up at the entrance and wasn’t going to be allowed on… However I just happened to have a camp friend that was working that ride and she was able to easily slip me through the exit line where I rode it. By the way both of these rides were incredible. I really like roller coasters… rides of all type.

In the summer of 1981 I was going to Six Flags with my Mom, my aunt, my brother and cousin. I knew that times were changing. I’m not for sure how I knew, but I did. When we arrived at the park that day I immediately asked to speak with the manager on duty. After a short wait, he arrived. I asked him what problems I was going to encounter that day. After some negotiation, we decided that I could ride all the rides except the three major roller coasters. However reluctant I was to this agreement, I went along with because I was with my family.

Like so many of my stories, the exact order of things probably have been skewed over the years, but the essence remain true. I believe the first ride we went to was the “putt-putt cars”… those old fashion model t cars maybe. I was in a car with my cousin who was around 12 or 13 years old. He was driving and I was just the passenger. Before we were allowed to leave the starting point I was asked to get out because it was dangerous for me. Now the irony is that my cousin was allowed to continue through the course. This is an irony because my cousin is legally blind and still doesn’t drive to this day.

Needless to say I wasn’t happy. I know that this happened several more times on other rides with me going each time back the front office and “yelling” of course. I’m sure my indignation became more and more apparent. In fact I can promise you I was outright hostile after awhile or perhaps from the beginning.

Eventually we went to ride this ride that was a giant boat/ship that held 40 to 60 people perhaps. Half the boat faced one end and the other side faced back. I got on the boat along with the rest of my family and before the ride could start I was asked to get off. Well… that was the final straw. I had had it. I stood up and gave a short and probably not so eloquent speech which included language that probably could have been left out. I basically said I had been kicked off many rides and that I wasn’t getting off this ride that people probably should get off because the ride wasn’t going to start because I wasn’t getting off.

I was so pissed this day that I don’t think I remember what the reactions were from those around. I do remember at this point my Mom trying to get me to get off the boat ride… She did succeed. I did get off, but I wasn’t happy about it. I think I did get a little support from some of the other visitors.

A couple of things I do remember… When I got off this ride a well known reporter who covered showbiz was standing with her camera person at the exit to this ride. I told her what I was going through, but she wasn’t able to film because she was working on a story. She said she might be interested on another day perhaps. After this incident a person from the park followed us around the rest of the day to make sure that I was allowed to ride the rides that had been agreed too.

I spent a good part of the next day on the phone with the parks attorneys out of California.

Sidenote: I’m not an expert on, but I believe that the ADA… American’s with Disabilities Act specifically states that amusement parks have the right to refuse rides to anyone with a disability.

I’m telling a few stories and hopefully will follow with some sort of conclusion as to why these events in my life have meaning… both positive and negative.

(26th Entry) The day I went to get my driver’s license…

2008-01-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

It was my sixteenth birthday… September 14, 1976! I was all excited… this is the day I was going to get my driver’s license… a rite of passage that every Texan expects.

I went to the Texas Department of Public Safety in Farmer’s Branch, Texas… a little suburb outside of Dallas. My dad went with me. Like so many of my stories this one’s a little hazy due to time and myth. Myths are stories that take on a life of there own.

I took the test in a 1973 manual transmission (4 on the floor) Ford Pinto Wagon. As I recall, I passed the test on the first try. I think I flunked parallel parking, but I still had passed the test over-all. After the test I remember sitting in the lobby as they called my Dad into a small office. I wondered what they were talking about. I don’t recall if I had any intuition or not that there might be some sort of problem.

I remember my Dad calling me into the office, maybe talking to me alone before entering… but I don’t think so or maybe it was just he and I in the office alone. He told me that even though I passed the test the officer didn’t want to give me my license without adding a restriction of automatic transmission. I was pissed!

I had passed the test! We only had this one car that I was going to have access too. The other car was a Lincoln Continental Town Car… No way was I going to drive that.

To make a long story somewhat not as long! My memory is that I picked up the phone in the office and was going to call a lawyer. My Dad explained to me that if I fought it that way I might not have a license for quite some time. I don’t recall my behavior although knowing me it probably was pretty provocative. I imagined that I said some things that made my Dad cringe.

I remember my Dad trying to negotiate and mediate between the officers and myself. Somewhere along the lines either the head of this particular office or someone higher up decided to give me another driving test. I remember we went out to a piece of land that was being made into a highway. It was a dirt field. I remember the officer telling me to just drive while he tried to make me lose control of the car. Needless to say he couldn’t make me lose control. We went back to the office; I received my license with one restriction… glasses.

I could go on and add to the story… I honestly don’t remember if the rest of the story is truth or myth. I’m sure over the years the story has been magnified in my mind… partly because it makes for a great story; and partly because it was one of those days that changed my life forever. For better or worse…

My Dad really stayed calm that day. I think he knew that I was so upset, so angry that any fuel to the fire would be a calamity for all. I had been warned by a friend of mine, Robert, to take the test in a standard or I would be given the automatic restriction, but I hadn’t thought about being denied a driver’s license having passed the test. (Hopefully soon a copy of the short film clip of Robert and I will be on the blog. It’s a 5 minute short documentary on our friendship done by PBS in Dallas, summer of 1970.)

Stay tuned!!!

(25th Entry) Lots of Questions, but…

2008-01-15T05:44:00.000-08:00

What about answers? A friend was reading my blog and remarked… You ask lots of questions. I can’t wait for you to start answering them.

I used to think I had most of the answers, but one of the fascinating things about writing this blog is that not only do you, the reader, get to know who I am, but I also find out how many questions I still have in life. There’s a wonderful quote that my old friend Mike used to say quit often… (I don’t know who originated it, but it’s a great line.) “I would rather live in the greater world of confusion, than the smaller world of certainty.” As I write more and more in this blog, I realize that answers sometimes come across as glib. They must and will come out over time, but for now the questions keep coming with a little story telling mixed in hopefully.

I’ve always liked the quote above. In essence it asks me… Do I want to try, try new things, do new things or do I want to just live in my “comfort zone”, do the things I feel comfortable doing. Am I going to ask questions, confront new issues? “I sit back reserved and never knew”… out of To Dream, To Touch… (Entry 2)

Do we do what others tell us we’re capable of doing or do we go for our dreams?

More to follow….

(24th Entry) Where to, What next? (Conclusion)

2008-01-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

In so many ways this title describes my life. In my second book that I’m working on (which deals with the dichotomies of life based on the issue of disability as a metaphor) begins with “To Dream, To Touch” (Entry 2). The first line after that is… “My life has been spent vacillating between two extremes… Hope and Hopelessness! This might sound depressing, and at times is has been, but… What keeps us going? What makes us “go on with life?” Why don’t we give up? What gives us hope?

Life for me has been about bringing together the dichotomies or paradoxes in life… those sets of opposites.

I’m the same; I’m different. I can; I can’t. I’ll try; I give up. There’s a way to do…; it’s impossible. I’ll get a job one day; I’ll never have a job. I can take care of myself; I’ll never be independent. The list goes on…

“Where to, What next?” Is this all that there is in life? Is this all I’ll ever be in life? I’m never going to…

On the other hand…

“Where to, What next?” Wow! Look what I’ve done! Look how far I’ve come! I want to; I’m going to…

“To be disabled or not to be disabled?” That is the question… It’s a choice? (In writing short blog entries it is difficult at times not to come across as trite or insincere which is why I try to weave my life experiences into my points.)

After college… the first time… I had a feeling that people didn’t want to hire me. I went on interviews, but it was that question… What can you do? Not only were they asking, but I was asking myself. It‘s a lot easier to be motivated when you have confidence than when you don’t. It’s a lot easier to have confidence when you’ve had good experiences rather than bad.

I said in the last entry via the quote from my book on my life in corporate America, “I accomplished what I had set out to accomplish which was… To know that I could make it in this world, compete with others, and be successful.” We have a choice in life. To prove to ourselves or to prove to others! Which is most important?

What truly gives us hope and motivation? When you’ve had bad experiences or less than positive lets say… How do you go on? You hear a lot of people say, “It’s all in your attitude.” It’s like the old question… which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which does come first? Your attitude and then your experiences; or do your experiences then your attitude? To me, it’s a cause and effect which happens both ways. Sometimes simultaneously and sometimes each on there own.

More to come….

(23rd Entry) Where to, What next? (Part 4)

2008-01-08T17:05:00.001-08:00

I remember being extremely upset at the comment made by the chief’s secretary. Who the hell was she to be making a comment about me? I called my friend and told him what had happened. As I mentioned the next thing I knew I had a job. But I also remember how I felt when I walked back in those doors a few years later and how the comment that she made at that time meant so much more. I remember intellectually the first comment, but I remember with feelings the second.

My first corporate job… Six years after graduating college I went to school to do post-graduate work in Accounting. Along the way I found Finance and realized that this was my true calling at the time. One day right after my finance class, I followed the professor back to his office. I had been having a difficult time with interviews and felt that getting a job with concrete skills was still going to be difficult. This specific Finance professor had been an executive in a couple of Fortune 100 Companies. I thought that he might be a good person ask some pertinent questions.

He was sitting at his desk when I walked into his office. I was in a bad mood, so I just asked my questions straight forward. I asked him, “if he was still out there in Corporate America what would it take and how could I prove myself.” He leaned back, smiled and said, “You already have.” “I already talked to a couple of clients about you.” Well that was the beginning of a great friendship as well as finding a mentor in Finance.

However, it took him a year after my finishing courses to help me get my first corporate position. In the interim, I helped him with his consulting business. In May of 1993 he was taking a block of business to a private company to have their health claims administered. He told the owner of the company that he had someone that this company could definitely use. I interviewed and was offered a job shortly thereafter. I’m not for sure when I found out the rest of the story, but…

At six months, I remember being called into the owner’s office where he called my friend and mentor. This memory is a little fuzzy, but they talked about me and the owner said that he was definitely happy with me. As it turns out, my friend had promised the owner of the company if he wasn’t a 100% satisfied with me after six months he would reimburse the company my total pay. That’s how I got my first corporate job.

Over the course of the next eleven years I worked for three corporations. The first and last were a direct result of my friend and mentor. The second was a person that had been my boss at the first corporation. I’m currently working on a book about my experiences in Corporate America! This is mentioned in the Mission Statement…

A quote from the first several paragraphs of the book…

“It was a short, but amazing (amusing) life in corporate America! I accomplished what I had set out to accomplish which was… To know that I could make it in this world, compete with others, and be successful. On April 9th 2003, although I felt defeated in many ways as I walked out the door for the last time, I also had a sense of confidence which I had never known before.”

Next blog entry… Pull the pieces together… OK! I said that last time, but this time…

(22nd Entry) Where to, What next? (Part 3)

2008-01-08T04:42:00.000-08:00

When I graduated from college I couldn’t/didn’t find a job. I went on interviews and tried to use contacts to find one. Of course I graduated with a degree in Humanities not exactly a specific skill set. My first part time job ever was while I was a freshman in college. I worked at an indoor gun range and security company as a dispatcher at nights and weekends. My second part time job was working for the campus police department as a “walker” at night in Nacogdoches, TX. Actually both of these jobs gave me some interesting experiences. (Probably not the type that are relevant for the blog.) The thing they had in common is that the reason I got both were because I had friends working at each place.

As I wrote my first two job experiences above I realized something that I had never thought of before. Both jobs were at night. Hum! Interesting! And both have to do with security, radios, talking, etc. As a “walker”, my job was to lock and watch campus buildings and let girls into their dorm when they forgot their card keys from 10:00 pm to 5:00 am. Actually this wasn’t a bad job. I eventually got to drive a little pick up instead of walking all night. This actually surprised me that I was allowed to drive a school vehicle. I gave rides to students that needed rides late at night.

Why am I writing this? As I sat in a little room filling out an application for the campus job I heard the police chief’s secretary basically say… How does he think he can do this job? Luckily my friend went to the police chief and the next thing I knew I had a campus job.

There’s a great story that took place a few years later. I had a friend named Lynn who was a quadriplegic. He had a companion dog named Inca. Lynn and I would go to the football stadium at the university to exercise. Lynn would roll around one of the upper decks and I would take Inca to the track at field level to exercise her. One day I get cornered by a University Police Officer. We didn’t know one another. He said, “Your not going to run that dog.” You can probably guess what my answer was… “Yes I am.” I explained that the dog was certified, etc. I might be stubborn, hardheaded, etc., but I realized that this guy was serious… but then again, so was I. I decided to let Inca loose and told her to run to Lynn which she did. Inca was an incredible dog and the last thing I wanted was for her to try protecting me if anything happened.

To make a long story short, I suggested that we go to the police station and call the police chief. He agreed. As soon as we walked in the same secretary said hello and told the police officer that I was the best “walker” that had ever worked there. He had no clue that I knew everyone. The reason that the police showed up is because the coaches thought that the dogs toe nails would hurt the track.

The police chief said that it was somewhat controversial that I was running the dog since it wasn’t mine. His solution was to take Lynn down to the track and let Inca pull him in his wheel chair. This is what we did. The coaches weren’t too happy, but there was absolutely nothing they could do. Inca could pull Lynn in his wheelchair at a 8 minute mile pace. Eventually I think the coaches actually looked forward to us coming.

Next blog… Putting the pieces of this puzzle together, the past few blogs, and how I got my first corporate job.

(21st Entry) Where to, What next? (Continued)

2008-01-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

As I write many of my blog entries or more accurately as I look back at them sometimes I wonder where “this” is coming from. One of my favorite papers in college was a short paper entitled, “Why Have People Forgotten the Classics.” I remember a conversation with the professor afterwards. He said about my paper that these were basic questions that all serious students asked. He also mentioned how disappointed he was in the commitment of most of the students. He said that most of them didn’t even read the assigned books or engage in dialogue in the classroom. Feeling embarrassed I admitted to him that I had written my paper beginning at midnight the day that it was due. He looked at me and said something to the effect, you might have begun writing it at midnight but you were preparing for it all semester.

Oddly enough, this was an Eastern Political Thought Class and the professor was someone who influenced me greatly. His comment goes so well with the Chinese proverb, “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” This blog has been an amazing experience.

You might ask what does this entry or so many of the entries have to do with the issue of disability… especially since I say that the site is dedicated to the issue of disability!

It’s as if I’ve been preparing my whole life for this blog or the blog (the teacher) came along when I (the student) was ready.

So far the blog has focused on me… my life, my experiences. That makes sense since I’m writing it. I’m trying to relate to others (YOU) through my personal experiences and philosophy. In my Mission Statement, I’ve outlined my high level goals, desires, wishes…

I’ve mentioned that one of the questions I’ve struggled with much of my life is how am I same and how am I different. When I was young I think that I probably felt much more like others than I did different. I don’t recall being extremely self conscious in my pre-teen years. In the summer of 1973 my family moved into a new house, in a new neighborhood, etc. I went to a new school where no one knew me. That was tough, but it wasn’t devastating.

Oddly enough it was the next summer (1974) when I went to summer camp that this question began to crystallize. I received an award at the end of the camp session for being the most… “something” At each of the older camp sessions one male and one female received this award called the Crucis Cross. After receiving this award I began to ask myself… Did I receive it because I’m different? Did I deserve it? After all, being who I am I have no control over how others look at me. It’s ironic, but as I look back to this event 33 years ago… I probably was me, the real me, the natural me. I probably got this award for being who I was.

Somehow after that my life began to change.

I’ve mentioned that I was in a special class in high school called Man and His Environment. There’s a saying… art imitates life. You had to be chosen for this class. I remember the interview process and receiving a notice that I had been chosen. The class had some of the top students in the district. It was an amazing experience for this reason and the curriculum as well. It was a social science cluster conducted at the college level. To make a long story short… I never really turned in any work. I read all of the material and learned a tremendous amount, but never had to turn in any of the work. I got by with that… It was strange, but I had a feeling… When my parents asked why I had incompletes and had not done the work… One teacher answered something to the effect we thought he would be a good example for the other students. In other words, I wasn’t there for me, I was there for others.

I did the work for me even though others didn’t expect much from me.

I’m working towards a point… it took me a long to time to realize that I, we, have so much more in common than we can think or imagine. I’m probably also working towards the answer to… Why are myths important?

To be continued in the next blog…

(20th Entry) Where to, What next?

2008-01-03T06:04:00.001-08:00

This is actually line from a Carl Sandburg poem. My brother used this portion of the poem in a project as a child and I’ve always remembered it.

“In the darkness with a great bundle of grief, the people march.
In the night and overhead a shovel of stars for keeps.
The people march.

Where to, What next?”

Carl Sandburg

It’s a great few lines and says in such a short way many of the themes that I’ve been trying to convey. Essentially these few lines as I interpret them are saying… Not knowing who we are at times… not knowing where we’re going with our grief … we keep on going. We might be full of despair (night), but somewhere deep within us there’s always hope (the stars) so we keep on going… asking why, searching for answers and direction… wanting a way out… we persevere.

The human spirit is amazing.

I’ve used the phrase, “just going on with life” many times in the blog so far and implying it’s negative. Sometimes, however, it’s the only way that we keep going though. At some point, though, we can hopefully move past this way of life. Living life in this way takes its toll on us over time and those around us.

Hope and dreams are what keeps us going. Since beginning this blog I’ve met more and more people who have an interest in the issue of disability or are disabled themselves. I’ve seen the human spirit persevere through all types of adversities.

What gives me hope and keeps my dreams alive… People! Recently I watched someone who’s had some tremendous medical issues this past year keep on going. She inspired me by the way that she is “out there” going on with her life. Her speech has been impaired and is difficult to understand. Suffice it say she’s experienced in recent months many of the same reactions that I’ve experienced much of my life.

She inspired me because she was going on with life, yet she also was able to relate her struggle in an honest and vulnerable way. She inspired me because I could see parts of myself and relate to her as others might relate to me. That quote that I’ve used before… “When we forget who we are, we forget how to act.”

My speech actually got better after an operation that I had when I was 21 years old. This was not the reason for it, but a good and unexpected outcome. When I was in college I had to write a paper on my idiolect in an upper level English class. I remember writing, when I listen to myself in a tape recorder; I can’t understand myself either. Today, thankfully I’m much easier to understand, although people still…

Remember the subway story… When you live with a disability, it’s with you constantly. You don’t just get to a point… whatever that point is… doing things, accepting it, etc. and never have to look at it again.

By being around people who are struggling with the same issues, we’re reminded of who we are. It gives us compassion for ourselves, for the other person and for what others who interact with us might be experiencing.

(19th Entry) Reality

2007-12-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

I wish I could tell you that there’s any easy way to “deal” with the issue of disability… It’s strange… as I write I wonder if some people really do think it’s easy. If so, this blog probably isn’t for them. I remember back when I had my non-profit organization, D.O.E.S. in Texas. I wanted to conduct support groups for disabled individuals. Many of the disabled individual’s said, why should I sit around and talk about my disability… I live with it every day. On the other hand, caregivers, family members, etc. were much more eager to have some place to go to talk about the issues they were facing. Why is this?

Maybe a simple reason is… It’s seems easier to be the person going through “something” than the person around “something”. Or maybe the people around disabled individuals see the potential, the pain, and the struggle to a greater degree and feel helpless to a greater degree than the person going “through” the issues. Thus they have a greater need to express their feelings. The reality is… the issue affects everyone around and it affects all of us in different ways to greater or lesser degrees.

How do we “work through” the issues? I’ve said that a disability is anything that keeps us from doing or trying or feeling good about ourselves... a very broad definition! And… I don’t think there’s a magical answer, a quick fix, to working through the issues.

What does it mean to “deal with” or “work through” the issue of disability? For me, it’s definitely been a process. It’s not a linear process. I wasn’t just born the way that I was born and life went on. With me growing up there were doctor visits, operations, many decisions to be made as well as just the normal growing process that brought there own issues. It’s easy to get stuck in just the survival mode or in this case what Maslow called the biological and physiological needs.

When I was born in 1960, the doctor’s told my parents I wouldn’t live, obviously I did so then they told my parents I would never talk or walk. Well, I’ve done all three... lived, talked and walked! What’s next?

People have asked me many times… How did you learn to…? An example… How did you learn how to tie your shoe? Simple answer… I watched someone else and I learned how to adapt it to myself. You put one lace under the other…. And at the end you pull.

A little story… I honestly don’t know if this story is true or not, but what I do know about stories is that they have a deeper meaning sometimes or the essence is true. In a previous blog I mentioned going to Scottish Rites Hospital in Dallas. I had artificial arms. The doctors felt that it was important for me to have the opportunity to try them out. According to the stories around my family (because I was very young at the time) is that I only wore them when I was at the hospital. I didn’t wear them at home or have any inclination to try much with them. I even have memories of taking them off before I reached the door and flinging over my shoulder on the way out of the hospital.

Story: My story in my head… One day they’re trying to make me, teach me to tie my shoe with the artificial arms. I get extremely frustrated, take them off and tie my shoe without them. My Mom remarks, “I guess he doesn’t need them!” As I said, I don’t know if this is a true (factual) story or not. But somewhere early on I did quit using them and having to go to physical therapy 3 times a week.

Now this could have actually been an incident when they were trying to get me to use the artificial arms to open cabinets and drawers, etc. They had made a big wooden board full of all different types of handles, drawer pulls, etc. just for me. Or the story in my head could be total fiction! Maybe when my Mom, my Dad or my Brother reads this entry they’ll make a comment and we can hear their memories.

Bottom Line: The myth is real. At least for me… the myth is real.

Side Note: I did wear them for show and tell when I went to kindergarten and 1st grade. They were great for pinching the other kids. I wore them one year for Halloween in college. I had a hospital gown, etc. Many years later I wore them again for Halloween. This time I wore an Army jacket and had a cardboard sign that said "Disabled Vet... Need Money" I offended someone who had been in the military... I felt bad and apologized. That was not my intention at all. Even being disabled there are limits to what you can say and do, even if you think you're only making fun of yourself or trying to get others to feel comfortable with the issue of disability.

Questions for future blogs: Why are myths important? What do they tell us about ourselves?

(18th Entry) IMAGINE!

2007-12-28T04:39:00.000-08:00

Imagine… being a little kid… going out into the world trying to do things that other kids do and… having others stare at you, asking… “What’s wrong with you? What happened to you? “Here, let me help you? The worst is when parents of young kids grab their children when they begin to stare or ask questions as if there’s something morbidly wrong. I’ve literally seen parent clasps their hand over their child’s mouth and drag them away. (Although… every once in a while, you’ll have a parent say to their child… “Why don’t you go talk to them, ask them…”)

As a little child or a newly disabled individual, how are you supposed to deal with this? Because… at the same time, if you’re actually out in the world trying to do things or actually doing things you’re hearing… You’re amazing. You’re a miracle. I couldn’t do that if… God has big plans for you. You can do anything if… You’re such an inspiration…

Imagine again being this little kid… On the one hand, people are staring at you as if you’re a freak in a circus side-show ever being reminded that you’re different somehow. Yet… On the other hand, you have this feeling of responsibility being placed upon you. Yes, you’re different and because of this you hold “power” over people. You have an influence, an ability “to get” or “to get out of”!

It’s a very complex phenomenon or dichotomy! For me it eventually posed itself in the form of this question… “How am I the same and how am I different?” A question, a dilemma which occupied my life for many years...

Imagine again you’re that child… or maybe recently injured in a traumatic event. Imagine you’re the parent of… the sibling of… a friend of… How are you feeling? What are you thinking? Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you numb? In the beginning, you’re just trying to survive… to do… You’re trying to meet those basic needs (See Entry 12… Maslow’s Hierarchy of…) You’re “just trying to go on with life”!

A question that I’ve been asked is… What is my opinion of the difference between someone born with a disability and some who becomes disabled later in life? One thing that I’ve noticed is that someone disabled later in life usually doesn’t struggle with this question of… How am I the same and how am I different in quite the same way? If you’re injured towards your late adolescent years or later you’ve had the opportunity to “be the same”, to experience life as being “normal”… what ever that is…

Another simple observation along with a little investigation… people who have a healthy, happy life prior to being injured seem to have happy healthy lives after an injury… maybe not overnight, but eventually. And then others who become injured later in life, take this opportunity to have a useful, healthy and happy life… others don’t. I’ve had people tell me that becoming disabled was the greatest blessing that they had ever been given in life. Their live’s had finally been given meaning or maybe as I put it they gave meaning to what happened to them. They actually had to look at their lives as opposed to just going on with life.

(17th Entry) Why does it matter?

2007-12-27T09:03:00.001-08:00

Why does it matter how people react to us? Why does it matter when people pretend that I’m (you’re) not there? I’m taught that that I’m OK as I am… who I am. I’m told to “go out” and be like everyone else. I'm supposed to do as much as I can. And then… to only be treated as if I don’t exist. Or that others don’t want to acknowledge my presence. How am I supposed to react? What am I suppose to feel? We can pretend that this doesn’t happen and just go on with life. Maybe for some that philosophy works. I doubt it though. Somewhere within us all there’s a part that really doesn’t like it. There’s a part that asks why? Is there something wrong with me… or? What’s wrong with “those” people?

Everything I write about comes from my own experiences combined with the experiences of watching and listening to those around me. When you have a physical disability and especially a speech impediment you’re going to get discounted by some people. That’s a fact… How I, we respond is up to us.

The interesting thing about writing these blogs, a single blog entry, is that I’m usually addressing a single side of an issue. People ask me or say to me… that doesn’t seem like you… is that how you feel? That’s really the point… I’m, we’re all sides of these vignettes. When I pretend that these events don’t happen in life or I’m totally unaware of them happening is when I’m going to… What is the “to”?

One of the problems as I see it is that we see these remarkable stories of individuals and all that they have over-come, but we don’t understand what it “took”, the inside story, the process that people go through to “get through”! I’m beginning to understand why. It’s difficult to convey in a uni-dimensional medium. It’s like one of those convoluted movies trying to show an event from all perspectives, winding up at a single moment in time.

I remember being in college beginning to make friends in a whole new environment. One day while visiting a mall, a friend made a comment to the effect… when I’m with you it’s as if everyone is staring at us. How do you… ? I think I had been on auto-pilot for so long I had not even noticed or truly remembered what she was talking about. And then one of those store events happened while we were out one day as well. Another example… my friends in college quickly learned to have me go to the bar to buy the drinks at clubs, because the bartenders always made my drinks better (stronger)! In those days, my friends and I considered this a good thing. Having people react is not always a bad thing, a negative thing. That’s probably one of the points. Although when you’re obsessed or unaware (actually one I the same) or angry at the negative the positive can easily get overlooked.

It’s easy to label things as positive and negative. We view events in our lives as good or bad. Things just happen and we go on as if… The problem is that we end up “down the road” not knowing how we got there or why? That’s why it matters…

People still stare at me 25 years later. I go through phases of noticing and then not noticing. The difference today is that it doesn’t bother me as much today… or at least in the same way that it did back then. Stay tuned for more vignettes to find out why…

(16th Entry) Going to the store…

2007-12-25T06:25:00.000-08:00

This is a short vignette on what it means to have a disability… Growing up and even today there’s a common scenario that takes place which anyone with any type of disability can relate too. I go to the store. I buy some items and proceed to the check-out stand. I have someone with me, maybe we’re talking… it doesn’t matter, but it’s obvious that we’re together. I place the items on the check-out table and hand the person the money. Nine times out of ten… the person not only hands the change back to the person with me, but addresses that person with any questions that they might have.

This might sound odd to those that have never experienced it. Others try to make you feel better by coming up with reasons that this might happen or it’s just…

One of the things that I try to do when I work with other disabled individuals is to help them understand that there is an effect that we have on others. We can debate if this is good or bad or just is what it is… But, the thing that I try to emphasize to individuals is that the only thing that matters is how we, ourselves, interpret this situation. How does it make us feel? How do we react? What do we allow these situations to keep us from doing? How does it make us feel about ourselves is the bottom line. How we interpret our interactions with others is what we have an ability to control within ourselves.

These events and how we interpret them are the one’s that determine if we’re just going to just go on with life blindly, become motivated or slip into learned helplessness.

Back to the vignette… I don’t like that I get reacted to in this way! Can I change it? No! But… I can act or react to it. That’s my choice. First, I only have the choice when I am aware of it happening. Second, how I act is based upon quite a few things. How do I feel about myself? What kind of mood am I in? Am I angry about this situation and who I am? The list goes on… In other words, I can effect the situation positively or negatively based upon how and where I am coming from.

(15th Entry) What motivates people?

2007-12-23T08:56:00.001-08:00

What motivates me? What is motivation to me? Motivation happens over time. I’m not driven “to do” at all times even when I have something that I want to accomplish. There are times that I get excited and may be do a little more, but over-all I do things a little at a time.

Deadlines motivate me. That’s why I say when I’m going to post my next entry. I’ve always said I do my best work under pressure. Actually, it might not be my best work, sometimes it’s the only work.

In my mission statement I say that I want to do motivational speeches. So often I see motivational speakers trying to motivate people by getting them excited, making them feel…

Sometimes I go somewhere and think that I’m getting motivated only to leave feeling empty. Excitement only lasts so long. It’s easy for me to feel motivated and good about myself when I’m around others. Real motivation for me comes when I’m alone and still feel as if I need or want to accomplish something.

Where does this desire to do or accomplish come from? Usually, for me, it comes from this little nagging voice deep within me. It serves as a little reminder in subtle ways that I want to do something. Sometimes it takes time for me to even recognize that it’s something important to me. For instance, many of the items in my mission statement have been dreams of mine for 30 years or even longer.

What helps me begin to act on this motivation? Sometimes it’s just a simple comment from someone. Other times it an uncontrollable urge. Usually it’s a slow process that in hindsight developed one little piece at a time.

I guess for me motivation comes from understanding the pieces. My life has been a series of segments… each segment building upon the last. I don’t have some master plan for my life. My life is a lot like this blog… unconsciously it just seems to go from one point to the next… naturally.

When I say I want to do motivational speaking, it’s not that I want to go out and get people excited. Maybe by looking at their lives using the issue of disability as a metaphor people might be able to piece the pieces of their lives together with a little different perspective.

Getting a new perspective motivates me! Being able to look at situations differently motivates me! That’s a different type of excitement than… look at what I’ve done or what I can do or making people feel…

Back when I interviewed for jobs I used to sell the idea that having a disability and having to do things a little differently helped me “think out of the box” naturally. It gave me a fresh perspective on old problems. I believe this is true. The only problem is that most people are more comfortable with the familiar. As much as we say we want to change, think out of the box… the truth is…

(14th Entry) “Learned Helplessness”

2007-12-20T14:42:00.000-08:00

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about this phrase. I’m not really for sure when or where I picked it up, but…

L E A R N E D H E L P L E S S N E S S!!!

It seems to me that most people want to do, be able to do, try to do… everything that they possibly can. I’ve found that most people like to be self sufficient, to be able to take care of themselves… physically, financially, emotionally, etc.

What happens then? Why do some people give up? Why do others choose not to do things for themselves?

I’ve always thought this phrase “learned helplessness” says so much. Call me naïve, but I think most people start out life with a great desire to be successful. Over time, things happen. We either keep fighting, persevering or we acquiesce to life, to our circumstances. We give in or maybe take what we perceive as the easier way. My 5th entry, “Things Happen for a Reason… Or Do They” touches on this. But there’s more.

And then again, who doesn’t want to take the easier way or have people do things for them? I can be very lazy at times. But… I can also be very stubborn, persevering. Just tell me “I can’t”!

I wrote this earlier and now am coming back to it because I didn’t know how to continue. In my head I so clearly see this concept. In my own life… people will say, “Let me do that for you…” or “Wow, I can’t believe you do that” or “If I were you I would take advantage of…” or … We start out ambitious and then we’re given a way out. It’s ok not to… There’s really no expectations for you to… There’s help out there for that. You don’t have to be responsible for that. The list goes on.

Have you ever had an employee and told them “no” twice… after that they never tried anything new or took any risks again. It’s as if some people persevere through anything and others give up after one or two adversities. Others go through long periods of tragedies and surface after years of despair.

Learned helplessness… The goods news is… that the opposite is true as well.

Some where, earlier life, I had this concept or idea in the back of my mind that since I had accomplished so much that people said that I would never or could never do, then life should be easy. Someone was going to come along and take care of everything. In a way that did happen, just not as I expected. Somewhere along the way I became that person. For most people it’s just called growing up. For some of us, extenuating circumstances prolong or distort this aspect of life.

(13th Entry) To My Parents – Congratulations and Happy 50th

2007-12-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

Today my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. CONGRATULATIONS!

So I want to tell them THANKS…

For all your love, encouragement and support…

For everything you’ve done for me and given me...

For giving me all types of opportunities to try things and experience things all of my life…

For always being there…

For making me the person that I am today…

As Rick (my brother) said yesterday, “You’re in a small club…” So enjoy it!

The whole family is celebrating together this week in Patzcuaro (that’s small city in Mexico) where my parents live. Yesterday we were going to have a party with around 125 people, but… My Dad had to have his defibrillator changed last week unexpectedly so they had to fly to Galveston. Everything went well. Both of my parent’s are doing great. We had a small intimate family dinner yesterday instead and are all going to the beach for five days of R & R tomorrow… then we all return together for Christmas!

So much that I’ve written about thus far in the blog and so much more that will come out comes directly from my family, my life and my experiences. (As I’ve said in earlier blogs their support has been incredible.)

As I write my blog and live my life today, I see so much of both my parent’s within me. I’m definitely a blend of them both.

Sometimes I think about my self and my parents (or other people in my life, or friends parents) and play an age game… I’m 47… that means… when my Dad was 47, I was 15… when my Mom was 47, I was 22! When we moved to our new house… When I started 1st grade... When I went to college... I don't know about you, but this gives me a whole different perspective on life!

Time passes way too quickly…

I’m lucky to have you both today… So let’s all enjoy!!!

(12th Entry) Why?

2007-12-12T04:35:00.001-08:00

As I change pace in the blog I’m at a loss of what to write about today. I’ve posted on the blog that I’ll have an entry for today, so I feel obligated? The blog is dedicated to the issue of disability, yet so far I’ve been writing essentially about myself, my experiences… Why?

What am I trying to accomplish with my blog? It’s an outlet for me. It is a way to begin to get some of my ideas “out there” and begin to get feedback. I guess the easiest way to explain where and what I think the blog is about is… In high school I was first exposed to Abraham Maslow. I was in a three hour advanced class in Dallas called, Man and His Environment. The class was geared towards the social sciences. I remember being fascinated with Maslow’s theory of needs. In the mid 1980’s after graduating from college and not being able to find a job I started a non-profit foundation called Disabled Orientation and Education Services (D.O.E.S.) in Nacogdoches, TX. So as you can see this blog is not my first foray into the issue of disability. Why do I keep coming back to it?

When I read Maslow, he described his theory of needs in terms of a pyramid. The bottom of the pyramid was “Biological and Physiological Needs”… food, water, etc. Once these needs were met then there were “Safety Needs”… protection, stability, law, etc. The third rung of the pyramid was “Belongingness and Love Needs”… family, affection, relationships, etc. Next to the top of the pyramid was “Esteem Needs”… achievement, responsibility, reputation, etc. The top of the pyramid was “Self Actualization”… personal growth and fulfillment.

It seemed to me, based on my life experiences that there were many organizations and institutions helping with the biological, physical and safety needs, but not many dedicated to the Belongingness, Esteem and Self Actualization needs. I had always had the basic needs met for me in life. My problems started when I tried to “just go on with life”, go out into the world and try to be a part “of it”.

In my life time the world has changed dramatically. For instance, when I was around three I had artificial arms. This is a whole blog unto itself for later! I attended a place called Scottish Rites Hospital for Crippled Children. It was the classic old hospital with wards and children lined up in rows. To this day I still have vivid memories of this experience. I was the first out patient that they had ever had. I went for a couple of hours several times a week and then left. This would have been in 1963/64. I visited their new facility in 1987, an open, airy, colorful place. Ninety-nine percent of all of their clients were outpatient by this time. Also with all of the advancements in medicine, many people who used to die from accidents or injuries live today. The number of disabled individuals is gowing.

To be a little arrogant, I guess I want to help people “Self Actualize” or at least get to the level of “Esteem Needs”! The only way that I know how to do this is to express the struggles that I’ve gone through in life. How have I gone from being a very shy, insecure person to putting my life out on the internet for all to see? For those that know me now it’s probably difficult to believe that I was shy… very shy and frightened of people. An old friend was in town recently. We haven’t spent a lot of time together in 25 years. She was amazed at how I just began conversations with people I didn’t know. She said that this was so unlike the person she used to know. Yet others who have known me all my life might say that I was never shy. In fact, I probably wasn’t until Junior High. It’s not what comes across on the outside that I care about; it’s what we feel like on the inside. This is what I’m trying to talk about in this blog.

(11th Entry) Change of Pace

2007-12-10T05:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday several things happened. I “played” in front of my new video camera which was a real eye opener. An excerpt of the “play time” is below. I’m trying to “get used” to being in front of the camera expressing myself. It’s so much more difficult than I expected. In my head I can just recite my ideas, stories, experience, etc., but put the camera in front of me… I begin to freeze, become self conscious. Like most people I hate looking at myself on camera... OK maybe you don’t!

One of the things I talked about in front of the camera yesterday was the subway experience I had in NYC back in 1988. What’s amazing (not really) is that the video becomes so much more emotional than the writings in the blog. Even as I wrote those entries about my subway experience, I kept asking myself, “Why was it so important?” In the video, it’s obvious. It just comes out. Even if there’s not a reason that’s obvious or maybe doesn’t seem to be a big deal to others, somewhere within me there’s emotions about this experience after all of these years.

Later I was having a conversation with another friend and I’m expressing this realization. His comment was to the effect… that didn’t come out in the blog writing! He’s right.

As I said from the beginning, the blog is a new adventure. It’s a little intimidating to all of a sudden be “out there” for all to see.

I’m writing this entry as fast as I possibly can. I type around 30 to 40 words a minute. In the beginning, like so much of my life, I wanted “you” to see that I am intelligent. One of the things that happens when you have a speech impediment is that people automatically assume that you’re subnormal intelligence. We all have a tendency to do this. I do. Isn’t that what we grow up learning?

I knew from the beginning that the blog would change over time. I knew that the original entries were to “in my head”! But… I had to start somewhere. Intellect is a great way to avoid feelings. This is by far the fastest entry that I’ve written.

I’m putting the video on the site so that you can see “me”! See the other side of me. The raw me! Like so many things in my life that are important to me, I want this to be perfect. I don’t want to make a fatal mistake that ends this endeavor before it begins. But then… It’s not all about me!

What I’m doing now in my life, what I’ve been working towards this past year or two is the greatest joy and excitement that I’ve had in a long time. For my dreams, my aspiration to be “happening” is amazing. For all of the support that I’ve received from family, friends and people that I’ve never met is absolutely amazing to me. So many people have volunteered their expertise to help me along my way. THANK YOU!

So in the future expect things to be a little less precise, a little less analytical, a few more grammatical errors (as if there hasn’t been a few already) and hopefully a great deal more feelings.

Encounter that changed my life...

2007-12-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

One amazing day in the New York City subway!

(10th Entry) Pride or Prejudice… Or? Part II

2007-12-09T05:01:00.000-08:00

The previous entry needs a little more work.

Pride has to do with my ability or inability to ask for help. Prejudice has to do with what I take responsibility for in my life versus what I don’t. Both pride and prejudice occur when, “We just want to go on with life.”

What does it mean to “just go on with life?” To me it can mean so many things. A few examples… It’s when I do something just because I think it’s expected without asking myself why. It’s when I feel a certain way but I do an action without taking time to understand the feeling. It’s when I spend all of my time just trying to get by.

I can easily know when I’ve been in that “just going on with life” process when I all of a sudden I ask myself… “How did I get here?” “What do I want out of life?” “Am I happy?” And yes… there are times in life when this mechanism serves us quite well. But not forever!

The ability to ask for help is such a vital part of getting out of this, “just going on with life” process. Knowing when and for what I need to ask for help is essential for me to take responsibility for my life. When I’m ambivalent about my needs, instead of asking for help, I become demanding. When I’m ambivalent about my needs I can be frustrated or angry inside. When I’m ambivalent about my needs (emotional) I’m looking for others to fulfill them.

A disability can be… could be… is… was… will be… has been…

Painful
Unattractive
Imaginary
Hurtful
Real
Intimidating
Physical
Mental
Feelings
Emotional
Spiritual
Debilitating
Enlightening
Powerful
Energetic
Fun
Work
Persuasive
Inspiring
Humbling
Perceived
Humiliating
Powerful
Limiting
Attitude

As I stated in my “Mission Statement”, a disability is anything that keeps us from doing, or trying, or feeling good about ourselves. A disability is anything negative that we perceive about ourselves. BUT… a disability is also any positive attributes that we have that we don’t believe about ourselves.

TO BE DISABLED OR NOT TO BE DISABLED? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

IT’S A CHOICE!

You can be a person with a disability and yet not be a disabled person or vice versa.

“When we just go on with life,” we miss the chance, we miss the choice,

(9th Entry) Pride or Prejudice… Or? Part I

2007-12-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

(Really a continuation of… It’s all about me! Entries 7 & 8)

Pride or Prejudice… Or is there another option? This blog entry has the potential to be very trite or extremely profound. Nothing in the middle will suffice!

When I was sixteen while attending a retreat I participated in an exercise. One of the questions was, “if we died today what would we want our epitaph to read?” I came up with… “I do what I can and that which I can not do I do anyway.” This is the ultimate definition of “over-coming”. I am responsible. I do not need help. And definitely do not ask for help.

I can remember being at a mall or some other place that had multiple doors when I was younger. If someone held the door open for me I would walk to the other end and open the door for myself. I had to show them that I could do it for myself. One day I was asked, “Do you ever hold the door open for people?” And the next question was “Why”? When you’re over-coming something, it’s all about “you”. I need…! Most polite people hold the door for those behind them. It’s that simple. It wasn’t always a commentary on me.

The irony is that at the same time I would use my disability as a way of getting out things that I didn’t want to do. I wanted “my cake and eat it too” as the saying goes. I wanted the best of both worlds… Who doesn’t? I could often get away with it. The only problem is that this created guilt. I knew deep down that I wasn’t doing all that I could do in life. This is what made it so easy to judge or condemn the man on the subway. Look at me! Look at what I can do. Look at what I’m doing. Yet… “I held back, reserved, and never knew.”

Like I said at the beginning of this entry, it “has the potential to be very trite or extremely profound.” I wanted to throw these ideas out so that I can build upon it in the future. It might take more blog entries to clarify these ideas, however.

To over-come is pride! This is pretty simple to understand. To think that we don’t need others, or others help, that we can “go it alone” is total arrogance. But when you’re trying to over-come, you isolate yourself… maybe not physically or socially, but definitely emotionally.

Prejudice is much more complicated. My prejudice on the subway came from my anger, my frustration, my inability to understand what I was experiencing in life. I’ve listened and known so many people over the years that say that they just want to “go on with life”. But what does this mean? I wanted to go on with life. Yet…

The object is “to learn to live with and in” our disability. REMEMBER: Everyone has a disability… a wound of some sort!

(8th Entry) It’s All About Me! Part II

2007-12-04T03:53:00.000-08:00

I remember so vividly sitting in that subway car as this man passed me by. Tears just began streaming down my face. I “lost it” in the NYC subway system. Not exactly the best place to lose it. But the question is why did I “lose it”?

All we know is our own reality… yet sometimes that reality is shattered, turned upside-down. As I write this I find it extremely difficult to put into words.

We live in a world of “normal” people for the most part. Most people look alike physically… they walk, they have hands, and they speak clearly. I lived in a world that I perceived myself to be “normal”. I could do so many of the things people might not have expected me to be able do or that people said that I would never do. This must mean that I am “normal”.

At this point in my life I was still trying “to over-come” who I was. I wanted everyone to know that I didn’t have to panhandle, that I was capable of “doing” many things. I was still trying to prove myself to myself and others.

Somehow in this subway car I made the connection that I was judging this man as others might be judging me. A quote I remember from long ago… “When we forget who we are, we forget how to act.” (Unfortunately I don’t know who said this.) My feelings, my emotions had very little to do with him. They really had to do with how I felt about myself. Who I was, who I wanted to be! Yet my feelings, however unaware I was of them, were focused on him until I was able to make that connection to myself.

More to be revealed!!!

(7th Entry) It’s All About Me! Part I

2007-12-03T04:01:00.000-08:00

I first visited New York City back in October of 1988. (It’ll become obvious as you read my blog that the mid to late 80’s were a very influential period in my life.) I had several good friends who had moved to NY a few years earlier and I was finally having an opportunity to visit them. I remember my first day in Manhattan. It was getting dark and we were walking through The Village. I remember asking them, “Is this safe?” and being a little apprehensive. By my second day I was riding the subway all over by myself. To this day I love NY! I get treated incredibly well there. I always have. (This is probably another blog at some point in time.)

Much of my time on this trip was spent hopping on the subway, getting off, walking around, drinking coffee, hopping back on the subway, etc. Over the course of a few days I noticed that there were quite a few disabled individuals out panhandling. I began noticing more and more. One day I hopped on the express train on my way to visit MoMA. There were approximately 15 to 20 people in the car. At the other end, as the train pulls out of the station, a man enters from the next car who is obviously disabled. He’s walking with a crutch, holding a can and asking for money. I notice people giving him money. As he begins to get closer to me I begin to get more and more uncomfortable.

I begin thinking all of these thoughts: This guy is going to just use the money to get wasted. Why doesn’t the bum just get a job? Then the most amazing thoughts began to surface: Should I give him money? What will the other people think if I give him money? What will they think if I don’t give him money?

All of a sudden a phrase came into my head, “But for the Grace of God, there go I!” I didn’t have a job. In fact I couldn’t even get a one. I had wasted much of my life not being productive. So who was I to judge, to be judging?

But I was! I felt superior to him and yet inferior to those around. In my head I am condemning him, having absolutely no compassion for who he is or what he might be going through. I’m only worried about how people might be viewing me! What are they going to think of me?

What was it about this person that brought out such emotions within me? Why had I begun to notice so many disabled individuals panhandling? I had joked with my friends prior to this event that I wanted to get dressed in old clothes and try panhandling. There’s a part of me to this day that wishes I had done so.

Why was this event so powerful for me? Why do I consider it one of the major life changing events in my life? It’s another one of those… It’ll take more than one blog entry to explain.

As I sit here writing… I’m asking myself those very question? Why was it so influential? Why have I never forgotten this event?

Remember my simple definition of a disability… “anything that keeps us from doing, or trying, or feeling good about ourselves.” It was the complete realization that who I was, who I wanted to be, what I thought I was and who I could be didn’t match.

To be continued in my next blog…

(6th Entry) I’m “Doing” a Lot of Things…

2007-12-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

I’m doing a lot of things that I said I would never do or never do again! This year, 2007, has been an exciting year. The year started out with a visit to New York City in January where I met a new friend going to The New School majoring in documentary film making. He mentioned that he would like to film me. Of course my reaction was NO! BUT… I would love to work together and do some documentaries on the issue of disability.

My family has an importing business which wholesales Mexican made goods in the U. S. (My entire family lives in Mexico.) One of our business partners had been listening to me talk about my desire to do many of the things listed in the Mission Statement. One morning he calls up all excited… “We’re having problems with production. Why don’t we open our own factory and we can even hire disabled individuals.”

A week ago Friday I’m having a conversation with another friend. We came to the conclusion that the quickest thing I can do to begin to get my message out was to do a BLOG. Well… that was a week ago today. Life seems to be moving exponentially faster these days.

So what am I doing that I said I would never do or never do again?

The first thing is talking publicly about hiring disabled individuals. Let people know what I am doing. There’s a part me that says NO! Don’t do it. (In my next blog, I’ll tell a story about an experience that I had in the NYC subway in 1988 called “It’s All About Me!”) On the other hand (no pun intended), I’m really excited to be doing something, to have a dream come true. It’s a delicate balancing act, one which I’ll talk extensively about in my book on my life in corporate America.

Milestone: Last Monday our first disabled individual started at our new factory. Next Monday our second person starts.

Reality: If we can sell more, we can hire more people. It’s a simple business equation.

My dilemma is… “How do I balance all of this?” How do I have a dream and yet make it a reality without sacrificing the integrity of the endeavor.

Second, I really didn’t want to go before the camera again. I recently purchased a semi-professional video camera to begin working on documentaries. As I said, back in January I was adamant about not going in front of the camera. As soon as I received the camera a good friend of mine suggested that I could do Pod Casts. (I bought an iPod in August which has opened up a whole knew world for me. I’m so behind in technology.) I realized quickly that I couldn’t ask people to go in front of the camera if I wasn’t willing to do so myself.

Bottom Line: If I truly have a Dream, I have to be willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it! My dream can’t materialize living like a hermit.

(5th Entry) Things Happen for a Reason… Or Do They?

2007-11-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

I used to want to argue with people when they said, “things happen for a reason.” I’ve mellowed in my old age. Instead of arguing, I simply point out that… Yes things might happen for a reason, but… How we respond to what happens to us gives it meaning. A lot of bad things happen in this world… very bad things. To me, to say that things happen for a reason is a great excuse not to be responsible for how I respond. For instance, being born the way that I was born has no meaning unless I do something with my life. If I sit back and believe that this happened for a reason, then I’m not responsible. It gives me permission to be angry, bitter and the ability to blame.

For me, meaning or reason comes out of what we do with our lives, situations that happen to us. If you read the poem… “TO DREAM TO TOUCH” (2nd Entry) you can see the despair, the inability or knowledge of how to go forward with life. Fortunately you can also see the hope and the desire. I wrote that upon graduating from college. (Again many more blog entries to explain my life)

So often in my life I’ve heard… “It’s amazing how you’ve over-come your disability.” The problem is that I was trying to over-come. Back in the mid to late 80’s I was reading a book, an interview with James Hillman where he was talking about depression. He said something that changed my perspective immediately… (not that others hadn’t tried to do so, but this time it clicked) He said the object is not to over-come your depression, but to learn to live with it and in it.

What an amazing concept! The object is not to over-come my disability, but to learn to live with it. In other words… GIVE IT MEANING, QUITE FIGHTING, QUIT BLAMING and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

Yet this is much easier said than done for most of us. It takes most of us time. It's taken me 47 years.

How did I get here? How can you?

This to me is what my BLOG is all about...

(4th Entry) Thanks and yes… I’m asking for more!

2007-11-28T04:31:00.000-08:00

As I said in “My Very First Blog Entry” this is a new experience and I do not know exactly what to expect. Already I’ve been amazed by the response. First, I want to thank all of you who have responded with comments and to the many that have responded via email. THANK YOU!

Second, as I wrote my first little entry (after the initial day’s postings) I found myself to be a little apprehensive, nervous. There’s so much that I want to express that I don’t know where to start. I also wanted it to be “perfect”. Well… the object of this blog is stated in the mission statement… under “WHY? --- I need your help in order to:”

I realize that it’s going to take a little time to get the blog “flowing”. I’m going post my basic philosophy about life and major “life experiences” up to five entries a week. Hopefully over time, “who I am” and “what I am trying to get across”, will begin to be understood. I realize that this is not a blog of daily events, but one that builds upon previous entries. I’m not for sure how that woks with a blog.

PLEASE... Please add comments, ask questions… Please send this link to anyone and everyone and ask them to do likewise.

Tomorrow I post my 5th entry. Things happen for a reason... or do they? Hopefully this posting will spark some debate, be a little controversial. It expresses one of my fundamental believes about life. My good friend Phil in his comment under “My Very First Blog Entry” alluded to it… not feeling like a victim.

So… Now it’s time for me to sit back, relax and just “put it out there”! Again... Let me know what you think!

(3rd Entry) All we know is our own reality…

2007-11-27T04:04:00.000-08:00

Let me begin with… This is my memory of this event.

Once many years ago I was leading a support group for disabled individuals. On this particular day there were approximately 10 to 12 people in the room. The first person that shared had one arm that had been paralyzed from a gun shot accident. He shared about his accident and his life since the accident. After speaking he had a legitimate reason for leaving. We continued the meeting, one person after another sharing. To this day what I saw happen in that room still amazes me.

It was as if we were going in reverse order of severity of our disabilities... (from less disabled to more disabled.) But what I heard as each person spoke was… “What’s their problem? They just have…” referring to the person speaking before (less disabled) and referring to someone with a greater disability “If I had their… I couldn’t live…”

What I learned that day is that most of us can only can imagine living in our own “reality”! (In future Blogs I want to explore the consequences of only understanding our own "reality". The effects it has on us as well as the affects it has on those around us.)

Yesterday I received an email informing me that an old friend had suffered a heart attack while driving which resulted in him having an accident. In the accident he suffered a broken hip, back, ribs and other various broken bones. Life is fragile! Our lives can change in a moments notice.

My hope is that this BLOG and the other projects that I am working on can begin to help us all live in a larger “reality”.

My friend is out of ICU, but a long recovery awaits.

(2nd Entry) Where "To Dream To Touch" Originated

2007-11-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

Written in May 1984 by Charles Hall

TO DREAM TO TOUCH

I miss the things which I never had,
but only dreamed.
I came so close, and yet,
I did not touch.
I wanted,
but did not partake.
I should have tried, and missed,
but gained.
I held back, reserved,
and never knew.
So easy now to say,
so hard at times to do.
I want, I think, I miss;
I am, but what?

To do, to take, to have, to hold, to say;
beyond the reach, beyond the soul.
To dream, to want, to know, to have some day;
It will be done.
I gain, I work, I try;
My will succeed.
With help, with time, with luck;
It will be done.
(The end so close;
but when but why?
What will I be,
What will I become?)

Lonely, known, loved;
But feels forlorn.
Forlorn in mind;
But not out loud.
To those that know, to one that forgets;
Pity exist.
Things change, people change;
Life goes on.
Memories fade, feelings subside;
One goes on.

And then, but why,
For one can’t say;
Again the chance, again,
The thought of pain.
I hesitate, I think,
But will I act?
Closer I get,
But succeed I don’t.
And yet, a chance I took,
For life, for love, for hope.
And yet, I did not touch.

Happy, yes!
For at least I tried.
I can succeed;
Please with time.
Again the pity,
Again forlorn.
Life continues,
But never ends

Await to hope
Await to chance
Await to touch
My time will come!

My Very First Blog Entry

2007-11-24T04:18:00.000-08:00

To Dream To Touch: So much of my life has been spent having dreams, desires, ambitions and yet that's what they remained.

Today... I want to make a difference, to give back, to actually accomplish my dreams, my goals. I have so many that it's difficult at times to prioritize them. However, they seem to all center around the issue of disability or using the issue of disability as metaphor.

The Mission Statement on the right hand side of this post outlines many of the ideas that I have and that I want to accomplish.

A Blog is a totally new adventure for me. I don't exactly know what to expect. I'm asking myself how personal do I want to get, how much do I want to expose of my true feelings. I expect that exactly how far I'm willing to go will depend upon the comments that I receive. If the comments become more personal then I'll have no choice but to go deeper myself.

I urge each of you to write comments, ask questions. As it says in the Mission Statement... " I have a Dream..."