(11th Entry) Change of Pace

Yesterday several things happened. I “played” in front of my new video camera which was a real eye opener. An excerpt of the “play time” is below. I’m trying to “get used” to being in front of the camera expressing myself. It’s so much more difficult than I expected. In my head I can just recite my ideas, stories, experience, etc., but put the camera in front of me… I begin to freeze, become self conscious. Like most people I hate looking at myself on camera... OK maybe you don’t!

One of the things I talked about in front of the camera yesterday was the subway experience I had in NYC back in 1988. What’s amazing (not really) is that the video becomes so much more emotional than the writings in the blog. Even as I wrote those entries about my subway experience, I kept asking myself, “Why was it so important?” In the video, it’s obvious. It just comes out. Even if there’s not a reason that’s obvious or maybe doesn’t seem to be a big deal to others, somewhere within me there’s emotions about this experience after all of these years.

Later I was having a conversation with another friend and I’m expressing this realization. His comment was to the effect… that didn’t come out in the blog writing! He’s right.

As I said from the beginning, the blog is a new adventure. It’s a little intimidating to all of a sudden be “out there” for all to see.

I’m writing this entry as fast as I possibly can. I type around 30 to 40 words a minute. In the beginning, like so much of my life, I wanted “you” to see that I am intelligent. One of the things that happens when you have a speech impediment is that people automatically assume that you’re subnormal intelligence. We all have a tendency to do this. I do. Isn’t that what we grow up learning?

I knew from the beginning that the blog would change over time. I knew that the original entries were to “in my head”! But… I had to start somewhere. Intellect is a great way to avoid feelings. This is by far the fastest entry that I’ve written.

I’m putting the video on the site so that you can see “me”! See the other side of me. The raw me! Like so many things in my life that are important to me, I want this to be perfect. I don’t want to make a fatal mistake that ends this endeavor before it begins. But then… It’s not all about me!

What I’m doing now in my life, what I’ve been working towards this past year or two is the greatest joy and excitement that I’ve had in a long time. For my dreams, my aspiration to be “happening” is amazing. For all of the support that I’ve received from family, friends and people that I’ve never met is absolutely amazing to me. So many people have volunteered their expertise to help me along my way. THANK YOU!

So in the future expect things to be a little less precise, a little less analytical, a few more grammatical errors (as if there hasn’t been a few already) and hopefully a great deal more feelings.