(80th Entry) My Father, My Friend… continued!

May 1, 1928… November 22, 2008

This picture was taken last December when my whole family spent several days in Troncones, Mexico on the Pacific Coast. It was in celebration of my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. He had just received a new defibrillator a month earlier in Texas and just a few days after the picture had severe complications where he almost suffered a stroke. (I won’t go into the reasons this happened… now it just doesn’t matter now!)

These past few weeks while extremely difficult have been a spiritual adventure of the kind that I have never experienced.

There were so many things that have happened that I will remember for the remainder of my life… One of the most amazing moments was the very moment that my Dad died… My parent’s have a dog named Sabrina who loves both of them very much. She stayed with my Dad these past weeks with great concern and care. BUT… at the very moment he died she was again at his side. She got off the bed quickly, ran into the hall and barked several times. Sabrina doesn’t bark in the house… she talks which is like a howl, but this time she barked six times.

What ever your beliefs are… It just confirms to me that a spirit exists and that the body is just a body. Sabrina felt what was happening! She responded! We all responded.

I have never been present at the moment of death. I thought that it would be strange, uncomfortable, but it was just the opposite. We watched as my Dad suffered these past few weeks and yet when he died it was so peaceful. He simply went to sleep. These past few weeks while being in pain he looked so uncomfortable and contorted. Immediately upon dying he looked relaxed and at peace. He died in his own home, in his own bed, with his family and his animals.

My Father, My Friend

May 1, 1928 --- November 22, 2008

(76th Entry) My world…

My world seems to be tumbling down around me. My father is very, very sick… my family is extremely tired… business is difficult due to the world economic crisis and a city I love had and attack on it yesterday. (The police chief and two others were gunned down where my parent’s live.) It’s as if all of my dreams, hopes and ambitions are being suffocated.

What do I do? I could give up! But that’s not an option… I’ve been in this position before in life… in some ways. What happens when things seem hopeless? What are our options?

Right now I’m very sad! It would be very easy to give up, to not have hope. The problem is that I have dreams! I’ve made so much progress towards my dreams and yet I have some obstacles still to over-come. I have people that are relying on me… People who now have jobs that didn’t before!

I have some one in particular that I want to hire… She’s in a wheelchair. I haven’t met her, but she came to interview while I was with my family. Mary, my office manager, was very impressed with her. Unfortunately we just had started a new program in conjunction with the government and all of the slots had been taken. She took a taxi to visit us. This had to be a stretch for her financially. We’re about 20 miles from her home town. She’s able to take the bus if I am able to hire her. Mary was deeply moved by her desire to want to work. Giving jobs to disabled individuals is a major part of my dreams and now Mary’s dreams as well… I currently have around 22 employees… around 10 have disabilities.

In some ways I’ve never been so scared… everything in my life seems precarious and fragile. Right now things seem impossible, but yet on the horizon there are many positive things… 2009 could be the year that everything changes! The question is… can I make it that long?

Life is always interesting and challenging. I always say… if it was easy, everyone would do it!

I’ve never lost a parent before. Every one tells me… no matter how prepared you think you are… you’re not.

How do you keep your dreams alive? How do you maintain hope when things seem hopeless? It’s about faith. It’s about perseverance. It’s about stubbornness. The most difficult thing for me right now is to just do what needs to be done. There’s so much to think about… so many memories. My life is getting ready to change forever…

It’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves… In the last two months… I fell and broke my arm, we experienced the hurricane in Galveston, my Dad has been very sick, business is almost non-existent, a town I love is wounded and I’m sure there’s more if I think about… but these are the highlights.

OK… some things have happened in the past couple of months that seem overwhelming. It’s called life!

There have also been some good things that have taken place… in the midst of my Dad being sick, the whole family has spent time together… and we’ve been able to be ourselves, enjoy one another, have family arguments… but most of all be together and be with my Dad.

Next blog… more about hope, maintaining dreams!

(Some of my dreams are listed in the Mission Statement listed on the right hand side of the page.)

(75th Entry) The Truth Always…

Yesterday I was talking to an old friend in Nacogdoches, Texas. I mentioned in my last blog that I lived in a community of disabled individuals for a number of years… to be exact… 6 ½ years. The old friend that I was talking to yesterday was the director of the complex for the last couple of years of my living there. She’s largely responsible for my regaining faith in humanity and the helping profession. I often wonder what my outlook would be had she not come along and I had left that environment without seeing the “good” that exists in the people.

It’s difficult to talk about this experience in my life because so many people were affected in my first four years of living in this community. Suffice it to say… there is sickness in the helping profession, the care-giving profession. There are also wonderful, giving, caring people as well who give and take with respect and boundaries. During my 6 ½ years in this community I saw both.

One of the great lessons I learned in life happened in this environment… The truth always comes out in the end. Sickness can survive and be covered up for only so long. I use the word sickness… there many words I could use. I think that there exists in the helping profession a group of individuals who get into it for the wrong reasons. (This is a whole conversation by itself… left for another entry.)

One of the first things I noticed is that were a group of individuals who repeatedly said, “All I do is give and give and give and all they do is take and take and take…” a red light ought to go off if you ever hear this. At a minimum it means that someone in the helping profession is burned out, needs help, a rest… and it can be a clue to a whole lot more.

I learned that one of the simple laws of physics applies to the helping profession… For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You can only give as much as you receive. If you feel that it’s an unequal transaction then there’s probably an element of unhealthiness taking place.

The truth always comes out in the end. I am so grateful that I was fortunate enough to be around when the truth was revealed. I am grateful that my friend came along.

As always… so much more to write about regarding this entry!

(74th Entry) Asking for help…

Why is asking for help so difficult for most of us? The other day after a talk that I had given, a man revealed to me that he was ninety years of age and was just recently forced into having to ask for help for things that he was no longer able to do. He said that it was difficult for him. My Dad is having to ask for and receive help with things that he has always been able to do as well. It’s difficult to watch.

I always say that the issue of disability applies to all, because at some point we’re all going to be to the point of having to ask for help. The definition of disability that I began this blog with is… anything that keeps us from doing or trying or feeling good about ourselves is a disability. In essence, anything that we have to ask for help can be considered our disability in our society.

In my talk I mentioned that part of dealing with a disability was the ability to ask and receive help yet be able to separate this help from our “self”. The ability to separate who we are from what we need is so vital in dealing with a disability.

At one point in my life I lived around many disabled individuals… all types, all levels. Many needed considerable physical care. There were those that handled it with grace and dignity and others who… What I also found interesting were the individuals who were the caregivers. For so long after this experience I was very cynical towards caregivers. (More about caregivers in my next entry) There’s a saying… Like kind attract. Those that handled their physical care with grace and dignity tended to attract caregivers with grace and dignity… Those that didn’t…

Asking for help… Difficult for most of us… We value our independence. Separating our “self”, our value as a person from our physical “self” in a world so materialistic and vain is difficult for most.

Christopher Reeves was a beautiful example… One minute normal, the next a quadriplegic... I recall an interview where he said that he wanted to die when he first realized what had happened and that it was his family that gave him the will to live. It was his family that gave him the realization that he had value whether he could move or not.

In an earlier blog entry I talked about at one point in my life when people held doors open for me I would walk to another door and open it myself. “I’ll show you!” Who was/am I/we really showing? Who are we trying to prove something too?

As always… more to come….

(73rd Entry) I really miss…

I really miss writing. I really miss expressing myself. Things happen in life… we can write, talk or hold it in. Sometimes things seem to personal or frightening or painful to possibly express. Sometimes we think people or family or whoever might think we’re divulging too much of our selves. There are many reasons not to write or not to talk…

I miss it though…

My Dad has been very sick. He’s was in the hospital and a couple of times the doctor’s said he was going to die. He’s had the most amazing ups and downs… going from almost death to life again. At one point in the hospital he said the he was tired of fighting and asked if it was ok to just let go. The family told him yes. Yet later that afternoon to our amazement he said yes… to having an angiogram. His heart is less than 30%. The majority of his arteries are blocked with one graph from a previous by-pass surgery supplying the whole heart.

He’s at home now. He’s resting comfortably. He’s declining slowly, sometimes quickly. He’s no longer able to walk, even with the aid of his walker. He can still steady himself once standing with the walker and move from the wheelchair to a chair or a bed.

It’s difficult to watch someone you love decline in health. You always think it’ll be sometime else… sometime later… in the future… But eventually it happens. All who have lost a parent have told me no matter how prepared you think that you might be… you’re not! They’re right!

We’re all doing the best we can… We’re all coping, dealing and processing these days… the best we can!

As I said, he’s had some amazing ups and downs… All we want s for him not to suffer, not to linger, not to be in pain. We have outside help… around the clock nursing care. They don’t know us. I wonder what they think? The maid is part of the family, so she’s used to everyone.

The most difficult part for me and for everyone is the not knowing…

There’s so much going on… therefore so much to write about.