(73rd Entry) I really miss…

I really miss writing. I really miss expressing myself. Things happen in life… we can write, talk or hold it in. Sometimes things seem to personal or frightening or painful to possibly express. Sometimes we think people or family or whoever might think we’re divulging too much of our selves. There are many reasons not to write or not to talk…

I miss it though…

My Dad has been very sick. He’s was in the hospital and a couple of times the doctor’s said he was going to die. He’s had the most amazing ups and downs… going from almost death to life again. At one point in the hospital he said the he was tired of fighting and asked if it was ok to just let go. The family told him yes. Yet later that afternoon to our amazement he said yes… to having an angiogram. His heart is less than 30%. The majority of his arteries are blocked with one graph from a previous by-pass surgery supplying the whole heart.

He’s at home now. He’s resting comfortably. He’s declining slowly, sometimes quickly. He’s no longer able to walk, even with the aid of his walker. He can still steady himself once standing with the walker and move from the wheelchair to a chair or a bed.

It’s difficult to watch someone you love decline in health. You always think it’ll be sometime else… sometime later… in the future… But eventually it happens. All who have lost a parent have told me no matter how prepared you think that you might be… you’re not! They’re right!

We’re all doing the best we can… We’re all coping, dealing and processing these days… the best we can!

As I said, he’s had some amazing ups and downs… All we want s for him not to suffer, not to linger, not to be in pain. We have outside help… around the clock nursing care. They don’t know us. I wonder what they think? The maid is part of the family, so she’s used to everyone.

The most difficult part for me and for everyone is the not knowing…

There’s so much going on… therefore so much to write about.