(32nd Entry) Writing, answering

I used to worry that I might run out of things to write about. The great thing about doing the blog so far has been finding out that there’s so much to be written about. Even when I write about a subject it always possible to go deeper, exploring new angles, going more into depth, looking at it from new angles. What a relief!

My good friend David has written a couple of emails to me since my beginning the blog. He always asks good questions. In his first email he asked, “Your introspective subway story is really interesting. How would your reaction today be different from your reaction then?” (Entry 7 and 8) In his second email he comments that he’s surprised that I haven’t written about the ADA and the effects or lack of effect it has had for disabled individuals.

The nice thing about comments and emails are that I have or want to respond to them. The problem is that they sometimes ask questions that I don’t have answers to.

Having just returned from New York, I keep asking myself how the subway incident might be different today. I must admit I don’t necessarily have an answer. I’m struggling as I write to express what those differences might be.

Back then it seems to me that what I felt was a realization that I had something in common with the disabled individuals panhandling on the subway. I had always considered myself above or different than “those people”. I think that’s why I felt that people would judge me if I gave them money or not. When I say that it was all about me, it means that it could only be about me because everyone else was different or I was different.

Maybe this might make sense and help explain what I was going through. When I was in High School in Man and His Environment which I’ve written about, we went on a field trip one day. We visited an elementary school for all types of disabled kids. I was in the hallway when this young kid with severe learning disabilities spotted me. He came running down the hall wanting to see me. Many of my peers were around. I panicked. I didn’t want the other kids, my peers, to think that I was disabled or that there was something wrong with me, so I avoided the child. I ran off and hid somewhere. I’ve always felt bad about this. Even at that time.

A little more… While in New York I was riding the subway one morning with my backpack on and an extra tote bag. Usually someone offers me a seat. On this day no one offered me a seat. I think the question is… Do I expect it? It didn’t really bother me, except that I’m spoiled in New York. I get treated incredibly well. When things happen repeatedly we begin to expect it. I didn’t need a seat. I’m perfectly capable of standing with a backpack and tote bag.

So what’s the difference today as opposed to twenty years ago? One major difference is that today I know that I can survive in this world, take care of myself no matter what happens. Back then I was lost, confused; I didn’t have a job nor had I had one. I didn’t know if I would ever have one. Once you know that you can survive in this world, do the things that you need to do… it just doesn’t mater as much what others think. It’s called confidence, not to be confused with arrogance. It’s confidence without questions or perhaps even without guilt. It is knowing that you’re doing the most that you can do.

When you have a little hope, a little confidence you don’t have to be afraid of those like you. Maybe that’s the difference today. Maybe when you have a little hope and a little confidence it is OK when someone offers you a seat or even if they don’t. Maybe it’s ok to give that disabled individual in the subway money just because they touch you without caring what others think. Maybe it’s ok to be around others like yourself, because they’re the same and yet different than ourselves. What I’ve learned in my life is that the greatest prejudices are those things within myself that I don’t understand, that I deny or that I hate about myself.