(40th Entry) Once There Was a Person…

I’ve mentioned in the blog several times so far that I was lost in certain areas and ages during my life. What does “lost” mean? For me it says that I was searching, looking for meaning and understanding, for a purpose in my life. I didn’t understand who I was, why I was who I was, etc. It’s difficult to write a summation, but a writing I did in the spring of 1977 illustrates it quite well. I was a sophomore in high school. It was during this year I did the first two projects mentioned in the last blog.

ONCE THERE WAS A PERSON

Once there was a person. He was different than everyone else. Did this matter to him? You have to decide this for yourself.

That person is myself… A human unlike any human! I have a lot I want to give and a lot I want to learn… for I am a high achiever. Some people would disagree with this because I don’t do my school work… like right now. I sit and wonder sometimes if I’m smart. I think I am at times and then again I think I’m dumb at the same time. I just don’t know. (My father once told me to do a project on getting to know myself. This sounds like a good idea.)

Everything I read I want to learn more about, but then I lose interest, because there’s not enough time to accomplish all of the goals I set for myself. (Maybe I’ll go to the creek this weekend and be by myself. I could just sit and write.)

I know I have something to give! I know! I am a perfectionist in my own way. I expect people to behave right even though I know I’m not perfect. What can I give and how can I give it? How can I learn and when can I learn it? Maybe I don’t want to learn. I never listen to what my teachers say. I know I have something to give, but what is it? Can you tell me?

What do people think of me? They think I’m wonderful. But why? They think I’m special, because I do things in spite of my disability. I don’t they’re special because they have hands! What’s the difference? Is it really so obvious?

I know I have something to give. Am I already giving it? If so, where and how? Please, won’t somebody tell me! I’m sitting here all worn out, but why? I want to give more, but something won’t let me. Please, oh God, let me give more! I want to learn, but how can I learn? I want to read, but impatient I am. I just want to know it; know it right now. Please, oh God, help me learn!


I would have been sixteen years old when I wrote this. Without realizing it, being conscious of it… the four projects listed previously were an attempt to answer many of struggles in this writing.

It’s strange and wonderful to look back at this piece. In some ways, I'm amazed at what I wrote; yet, it’s the struggle that to some degree still exists within me today. It’s that natural curiosity, that desire to have and learn more that keeps me going… wanting to be more than I was yesterday.

One mode of motivation for me is seeing change. Change motivates me! Not all change, but the type of change within myself that makes me a different person… hopefully a better person. I’m still that person that wrote the piece many years ago, but I’m not… and yet I’m more. The desires are the same, but the frustration, fear, anger, hostility and confusion are what have changed over the years.

“To Dream To Touch” (Entry 2) which inspired the name of the blog was written seven years after this. I look back at both writings and see a tremendous change in attitude and hope in those seven years. “To Dream To Touch” was written 24 years ago… So there’s a lot more to tell of the story.