(66th Entry) Feeling sorry for ourselves…

We all do at times!!! For some reason this title has been on my mind for a few days. I have no idea exactly why or… maybe deep down inside I do...

It’s easy at times for anyone to feel sorry for themselves. Who hasn’t? The question is… what do we do about it? How do we react to it? How do we “get out of it”? Or… At times does it serve a purpose?

It seems to me that there’s so much written about subjects like attitude, positive thinking, motivation, etc. and yet this what am I doing? Why?

People who know me now probably would have a difficult time believing that I used to be extremely shy and self conscious… I might not have acted like it at times on the “outside”, but on the “inside” I had this sense that something was wrong… that I was different. After all, everywhere I went/go people stare at me, make comments. It didn’t matter if the comments were positive or negative… they were still comments, looks, reactions...

The interesting thing about being or feeling “different” is that it doesn’t matter what others say. Even the positive comments are interpreted as negative, because you don’t understand the context.

I mentioned before that all of my life I’ve heard the comments… “You’re such an inspiration.” What does that mean? The other comment is… “God has BIG plans for you.” These statements are a tremendous amount of responsibility for someone to bear when they’re extremely shy and self conscious.

What did I do to be an inspiration? What big plans? Is it about me? Or is it about the person saying it? Or possibly… it’s a little about both.

When I was younger, more self conscious and much angrier about life... My answer to the questions above would have been… It’s a way for people to not have to feel or understand their feelings… to not be responsible for their feelings and place them back on me. In other words, when I look at you I feel something. I don’t know exactly what it is or why I do, but I do. So I say something to you so I can feel better.

The irony is I too was that other person and as I changed, my perception of myself changed.. so did the comments… and definitely the way that I interpreted the comments.

Why do telethons raise so much money? It’s because they bring out the emotion, the compassion, and the empathy in people… FEELINGS! Is this bad?

One of my many goals is to create a healthier environment for disabled and non-disabled individuals… To challenge the status quo… to challenge both disabled and non-disabled individuals and to begin to look at the issue of disability in a different form…

One of the things that I’ve learned in my life and it’s taken a long time… is that the dynamics of the issue of disability is a complicated one. It’s about understanding feelings and taking responsibility for our feelings.

Feeling sorry for myself, having a good attitude, getting motivated all have to do with the way that I view my self and my world.

As I said above… there are a lot of people writing about motivation, attitude, positive thinking, etc. When you have a disability or any problem that is “real” to you or you live or take care of someone… there are no simple one, two, three fixes.

For me… in my life… changes have occurred slowly. As I look back there’s always a story. The problem is that I didn’t always understand how to put the story together, to utilize the story. It seems to me that if I had understood the story better, understood the dynamics of the issue of disability better as it was happening… I might have been better able, better equipped to deal with the feelings.

For me… this is where motivation comes from… understanding the story… taking the story and giving it meaning. When I understand my story I have a choice… Do I want to be angry and bitter or do I want something greater?

The question is… How do we express our feelings? Where do we expend our energy?

Do we feel sorry for ourselves or do we take another step?